Laura's mental drippings...

Only children know...

2012-02-12T21:59:00.002-05:00

"No one is ever satisfied where they are..." 'Only the children know what they are looking for" said the little prince...

No one is ever satisfied where they are, the words ring in my ears and I think, no one is ever satisfied because they, or rather we, chase after things. Things to buy, to own, to be, to do. We search outside of ourselves and in the world, for the peace that comes from God, and from within.

How does God speak? Quietly and slowly, in the silence. Not in the frantic pace of our ceaseless striving activity, but in our quiet pondering.

Only children know. They know because they listen within and only seek the desires of their heart.
A child always has time. A child smiles easily. A child laughs heartily.
A child prioritizes love, almost always above all else. A child is content in mom's embrace and dad's smile. A child loves purely with very little expectations for anything more than love, care, and security.

Simple is better
less really IS more
An uncluttered mind is focused on what is most important: here, now, love

Less striving, pushing, demanding, greed
More accepting, giving, releasing, grace

A garden, however small, in spring
A hug given, every day
The truth spoken in love, as often as possible

Beauty is simple, unassuming, quiet and powerful, a child can remind us of that, if we let him

Free write...

2012-01-16T12:45:00.004-05:00

Stream of consciousness...sometimes for me, is the only way to write, I guess that's what they call free writing

I sit here, I let my thoughts run out of my head and through my fingers to the keys, and I am typing, I guess that means I am writing...but do I really have anything to say?

Maybe that's irrelevant, maybe the exercise of simply sitting here and letting my fingers go and run free, is what gives my soul respite, although it isn't my fingers who need freedom, it is my heart, my soul.

Why do I seek freedom? Is my heart truly imprisoned? Perhaps I have created a prison for myself that I need to break free of. But if I am the jailer, I hold the key, yes? If only it were that easy.

I need Jesus, I need Him to break the chains that enslave me, I need Him to open the doors I have shut and locked for myself.

Am I spending all my time spinning and striving, only to always find myself in the same place? Is it time to finally let go and be still and know that He is God?
I have so little control over most things...isn't it time that I just, let go?
Isn't the truth that we cannot control life? And why would we want to?! it's not as though we know what we're doing!...on most days I don't even know what I want for lunch, let alone know what I want for my life...

I do know I want love, and love can be painful sometimes. Love can be hard work, and it can hurt. And love is sacrifice, and to love is to see someone else first. Maybe that's something I need to focus on, see others first. Stop looking inside so much, and pay attention to the souls around you. Is there redemption in selfless love? No question. No doubt.

Do I know you?

2012-01-14T16:54:00.003-05:00

I was thinking about my blog today, and about how, if you are reading it, then..I am talking to you, so then I wondered...are you likely to get what I'm saying? Do you and I have some things in common? For example:

Have you ever found yourself thinking and analyzing so much that you worry about your own sanity?

Have you ever read a book and thought to yourself, "I have to read every other work by this author?"

Have you ever been moved to tears by the pure sound of music, whether pop, classical, jazz?

Have you ever watched the same movie (or read the same book) tens of times and experienced it at a different level each time?

Have you ever felt almost as if you might have a split personality disorder, because in the same day you are capable of reaching the deepest depth of the pit and also the highest peek of joy?

Have you ever thought that you belonged in another time, that you should have been born at a different time in history, or in a different place?

Have you ever seen a character in a movie and thought to yourself, "I could be like that!" except...you're not?

Have you ever felt paralyzed by too many options or choices?

Have you ever had one of those days when you thought "the only way I will get through this day is if I am able to pretend this is someone else's life for a while"?

Have you ever thought that you were meant for something really special, but are quite convinced that you will screw it up?

Are you fascinated by people like Hemingway, George Bernard Shaw, Henry David Thoreau, Thomas Merton?

Did you ever read the book or see the movie "Into the Wild" and were you haunted by it? By how much you identified with the main character?

Do you ever listen to a Jack Johnson song and just dream of leaving everything behind and moving to Hawaii? :-)

These are all things that either have happpened or currently happen to me, and I wonder how many people out there are a little bit like me...strength in numbers, right? Feels good to know that one isn't the only crazy one out there sometimes. But then some other times one would prefer the silly notion that one IS uniquely insane...or maybe that's just me.

I have had times in my life when I have examined how many little pieces of me I have left scattered across the world, and wonder, if I could somehow piece it all back together, what that would feel/look like...Because of how many times I have moved around, I have entire "lives" lived elsewhere, with other people...I have moved on from each life, each time with the sense of loss, along with that sense of adventure and excitement. But after so many years and so many losses, I start feeling as though I need to mourn those lives..and let them go, while somehow maintaining the parts of me that were changed through them, the parts of me that were loved and nurtured, and the parts of me that grew and learned...

If I could I would simultaneously live all of them at once...because they are all part of me, all three countries, all three languages, all three cultures, all those wonderful people who knew me, loved me, helped me to become a more genuine version of me. They liked me in spite of myself, cared for me and genuinely found something of value inside me.

I am pretty sure YOU are one of them, so thank you. And thank you for reading my crazy ramblings. Thank you for liking me, at least a little, for indulging my narcissism, and not judging me for it ;-)

really, thanks!

A Simple Life

2012-01-08T16:29:00.002-05:00

I have been thinking lately about how much I crave a simple life, only to realize, I am not quite sure what that would entail.

I think it means being close to who God has made me to be, focusing on the ones I love, decluttering my mind, my life, and my home of those things that are just not essential. Easier said than done, right?

I feel a little lost but definitely very motivated to figure out what it is that a simple life would entail for me. Micah 6:8 pops into mind: "He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

When I think of what it is that I want my life to be about it always comes back to love, joy, companionship, beauty, simplicity. I think of Jesus, sharing meals with his dear friends, no home, no possessions, no real ties to the material world. And I so wish that could be me. Unencumbered by physical and material desires, free of the want and need to amass things, to create structures we then work to support. But I suppose that's wishing I wasn't human, which sometimes, I do.

I just want life to be SIMPLE. I want LESS. I want just the ESSENTIAL. Life is so short, we really don't have time to be messing around with anything else.

Winter...

2011-12-31T11:58:00.003-05:00

A snapshot of life, captured in a mere instant, and my heart flutters and hungrily seeks beauty, always

Branches stretch up toward the heavens, hopeful for life, for one more drop of water before the last leaf drops to the ground

Still and naked, stripped bare, life snatched by winter. But is winter not death within life? Does it not hold the promise of renewed beauty and abundance, come spring?

Today came with such promise, as did yesterday, and with as much hope as will tomorrow. the last leaf will fall, and bare branches pleading for more will patiently wait...for their time, for another drop, for new life.

The desire of my heart ...?

2011-12-30T20:43:00.003-05:00

The chilly air moves through the open window and it makes me want to move. It stirs me up inside and as I step outside I notice the bleeding sky, pink and white and blue….and as I look upward and notice nature’s canvas appear as if from nowhere, I notice how healing its beauty is, and how much I have needed to see beauty as of late. Captivated by it, my heart is alive with it and my thoughts start to flow and I wonder, today….I wonder about the desires of our hearts…

I know and have full confidence that God really does delight in giving us the desires of our hearts. But what if we don’t really know what those are? Is it possible that God gives us those desires even when we ourselves aren’t even able to identify them? Like the beautiful multicolor sky, does He give me things before I realize how soothing they are to me?

I wonder sometimes if part of this journey is recognizing that those things He gives us are, in fact, the things we ourselves want for our lives, desire in our hearts.

As humans we are well known for our self defeating, myopic ways and so I think maybe for some of us the fact is, that we get caught up and lost in the muck and mire of this life and are unable to see the proverbial forest for the trees. We may think that our desire is for a bigger house, or a nicer car, or an important title, only to realize once we achieve and obtain all that, we still have an unmet longing screaming louder and louder into our deaf, or at the very least confused, ears.

The grace of God is this most amazing living thing that continues to astound and surprise me in the most wonderful of ways. And so, I wonder if maybe, just maybe, since He knows me better than I know myself, He will give me what I most deeply desire, even when I really don't have e a clue what that is.

Could it be that this most gracious Father wants so badly to bless me that He gives me what I most deeply desire, before I ask? Could it be that all I truly need is to earnestly seek Him and His favor, and the result will be that He blesses me with the things I never knew I wanted?

I deeply hope so, because often I find myself so lost. I desperately pray so because I cannot trust my easily deceived heart to figure these things out.

I trust so because my Father loves me and my yearning is to honor Him, and He is ever faithful.

joy and grief

2011-12-23T09:32:00.003-05:00

Bright sun in my eyes, crows over head lamenting, or is it laughing? The breeze moves across my skin and hair, and I am alive to this day, alive in Jesus, to what this life gives and to what it often harshly takes away.

My coffee is cold, but not my heart, even as I struggle to catch my breath, sorrow catching in my throat, my heart? No, my heart is warm...warm and full

"Who told us we'd be rescued?" the song goes, and it just keeps ringing in my ears, and inside of me, and "why should we be saved from nightmares?"

This is life, in its warmth there is cold, in its joy there is sorrow, in its pain there is love
And this is the gift...to hold warmth in the cold, to squeeze love out of pain, to let joy out of sorrow.
To hear birds and see sunrises, to sip warm coffee while swaddled in blankets in the crisp early morning.
To cry tears of sorrow that only true love can bring, to share in pain with those who mourn, because our hearts are full. To have unity across the distance, to have communion with those who are not here for us to hold.

Only a heart that is full can break
Only a cheek that's warm feels the fullness of the tears
Only life can bring both in

Like breathing in and breathing out, joy and sorrow dance in and out of life, in and out of hearts, and arms,and eyes, and ears...

To live is to suffer, to laugh and to cry, to give and to receive, to hurt and be hurt, at once to be both full and empty.

"Who told us we'd be rescued?" Life flows without safety nets, but our Savior falls and rises with us, His heart in our heart, His chest wet with our tears
His laugh hearty with ours, His joy immeasurable in us, His love full and strong, and everlasting.

Blast from the past....

2011-12-21T18:44:00.001-05:00

Heard this song on the radio today after so many years, and felt like a rebellious teenager all over again...so much of its lyrics still rings true to me today.....

Alanis Morissette
Hand in my pocket

I'm broke but I'm happy, I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded, I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful, baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine, fine, fine
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five

I feel drunk but I'm sober, I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm restless, I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything is going to be quite alright
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette

What it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
'Cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a peace sign

I'm free but I'm focused, I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly, baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing, I'm brave but I'm chickenshit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano

And what it all comes down to, my friends, yeah
Is that everything is just fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab

over and over and over...

2011-12-21T18:19:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I wonder...am I really ever learning anything new?

Recently someone suggested that I not only write, but that I might consider actually reading my own words, once in a while.
While it was mostly a tongue in cheek comment, it did cause me to think about this, and I am realizing, maybe I am really just chewing on the same lessons, over and over, year after year. Am I really that hard headed? (please no comments on this particular question, it is rhetorical) ;-)

Is it really taking years, and countless lessons to get me to pay attention and learn the most basic things about myself, and about my relationship with others and God?

I read back and see a theme of self exploration and introspection and yet, I continue to miss the point, or at least, it sure feels that way. I search and search...I ponder, and wonder, I ask, I seek, and yet I am still lost, still aimless, still confused.
If there is something I have always been good at is searching, and asking questions. The answering however, doesn't ever seem to satisfy me. Whatever answers I ever come up with, are only temporary, and whatever "wisdom" I seem to acquire is fleeting and difficult to apply.

Could it be that what I am supposed to learn really does take all this time? Could it be that what God is showing me is something I am not ready to see just yet? Will I subject myself to many more unnecessary trials before it finally sinks in and real change can begin?

I know God can use ANYTHING in my life to show me His truth, but I worry that I may be so blind, deaf and hard-headed that I may miss it, and continue in the desert when He is calling me out to the Promise Land.

I guess all I can do for now is keep my eyes, ears and heart open and hope that my own fleshly, self indulging and myopic view won't obscure and eclipse my own growth. I really would love to not continue learning the same lesson over and over, 'cause after a while... it gets boring, you know?

Musiiiiiiiic!!!!

2011-10-16T10:41:00.003-04:00

Ok, first there is the absolutely addicting hooky tune, the ukelele sound, that just makes you want to get up and SHAKE IT, but the lyrics? LOVE!

I mean, how do you come up with the line: "Your lipstick stains on the front lobe of my left side brains"? or "the smell of you in every single dream I dream?"
I'm sorry, I'm just in love!...with the song :-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVpv8-5XWOI&feature=list_related&playnext=1&list=AVGxdCwVVULXcE8jOR7YoFQYLYbuNcVyAa

"Hey, Soul Sister"

Heeey heeeey heeeeey

Your lipstick stains on the front lobe of my left side brains
I knew I wouldn't forget you
And so I went and let you blow my mind
Your sweet moonbeam
The smell of you in every single dream I dream
I knew when we collided you're the one I have decided
Who's one of my kind

Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair you know
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight

Heeey heeeey heeeey

Just in time, I'm so glad you have a one track mind like me
You gave my life direction
A game show love connection, we can't deny
I'm so obsessed
My heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest
I believe in you, like a virgin, you're Madonna
And I'm always gonna wanna blow your mind

Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair you know
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight

The way you can cut a rug
Watching you is the only drug I need
So gangster, I'm so thug
You're the only one I'm dreaming of
You see I can be myself now finally
In fact there's nothing I can't be
I want the world to see you'll be with me

Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair you know
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
Heeey heeeey heeeeey (tonight)
Heeey heeeey heeeeey (tonight)

Big changes ahead

2011-10-15T22:02:00.004-04:00

Well, I suppose an update is obligatory given the huge changes coming up in our lives..again

I sometimes think for someone on the outside looking in it must look a little bit like we are completely insane. You might be right!

After two very eventful years in Florida, it seems God is leading the way in a new direction. When we first moved here, we really felt good about it and like this was going to be home for a few long years. But it seems God had other ideas for us. I'm cool with that....I'd much rather follow Him :-)

There has been much good here...God did bless us with had happy and fulfilling times, lots of beach time, lots of wonderful sunshine, glorious sunsets, treasured friendships, and much more..but we have also had tragedy, loss, grief, pain, and hard, hard, hard work. In some ways I can say this year has been the hardest one I've had yet.

Although leaving Florida is in some ways bittersweet, it seems fitting, because it comes at a time when we need a rest. A rest from all the real hard work, from the heartache and pain we have endured, from all the growing God has demanded of us, and we are yearning and hoping for a place to call home, a place where we might be able to settle, for a longer while this time.

And so it is that we feel strongly that this next place is Raleigh, NC. For many practical reasons, at first glance. Such as, that is where our family company is headquartered (Global Wines Distribution), that is where we have family, it does not have 6 months of insane winter, nor does it have 6 months of almost unbearable summer (yes that's right, we DID get tired of the heat!) and other perfectly sensible reasons, and some other ones...less sensible, less "practical".

Such as the gut feeling I got when we went to visit Lakelan's prospective new school (Oak City Academy, a wonderful Christian Montessori school that is just starting this year), when we met with these wonderful and godly family who welcomed us in as if they had known us forever.
Or the feeling we got when we visited their home church....or the feeling I got when I saw on their bulletin that they need volunteers for their ESL ministry in downtown Raleigh (they had been PRAYING for native Spanish speakers they tell me!).

So much just makes sense about this, like being able to sit, chat, and sip wine, at the end of the day, with our family (brother in law, sister in law, mother and father in law) while our kids all play happily in the next room....like being able to all go into the actual office our company is run out of instead of sitting hundreds of miles away. Like having co-workers who are also neighbors, who I hope will become good friends.

Some of it doesn't have to make sense, it just feels right. It feels like the next chapter God is writing for us, and it feels like tiny crumbs along the way. It is so very gracious of Him, considering Raleigh would definitely not have been my first choice. And so I am willing, and I am going with an open heart. Open to what He may have in store for us next, for what He may lead us to.

Fall seems like the perfect time for such a transition, don't you think? Leaves are changing, the air is crisper (well not here in Florida quite yet!), and we are all kind of settling in for the coming Winter. Holidays, family time, warmth, cozy feelings, all good stuff. And I am really looking forward to it.

God has blessed us tremendously and He continues to do so. And as long as I have breadcrumbs, I will follow.

I will miss these glorious sunsets though!

Lazy :-D

2011-10-13T08:30:00.002-04:00

I really wanted to put something on here today, it is a rainy day, and it seems like the perfect time to be writing. There is SO much to write about too! So much going on in my life right now, but...I'm feeling lazy and so...this instead :-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLexgOxsZu0&noredirect=1

Today I don't feel like doing anything....I just wanna lay in my bed. Don't feel like picking up the phone, so leave a message at the tone, cuz today I swear I'm not doing anythiiiing..nothing at all!' I'll just strut in my birthday suit, and let everything hang lose, yeah yeah yeah yeaaaaaah

Time to share some fantastic music...

2011-08-13T16:14:00.004-04:00

A couple of really excellent songs...One of them makes my heart physically ache, so pure and from the heart. The other one is utterly simple yet so strong, honest and sensuous, it moves me to both sing and dance at the same time.

John Mayer

The Heart Of Life
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2mJpQSkae8

I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears
And listen

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know, it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then, circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good

John Mayer
Gravity
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7VBex8zbDRs

Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down

Oh I'll never know what makes this man
With all the love that his heart can stand
Dream of ways to throw it all away

Oh Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down

Oh twice as much ain't twice as good
And can't sustain like a one half could
It's wanting more
That's gonna send me to my knees
[repeat]

Oh gravity, stay the hell away from me
And gravity has taken better men than me (now how can that be?)

Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
C'mon keep me where the light is
C'mon keep me where the light is
Oh... where the light is!

Greater is He that is in you...

2011-08-10T10:04:00.003-04:00

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."
Ephesians 6:12

These past few months have brought a real spiritual awakening. Following some tragedies in my family and some other unsettling events, there was much to be journeyed through and much to learn.

One truth that has been sinking in more and more has been the reality of the Spiritual battle we are all engaged in.
The verse above really does express exactly what I am trying to say: We fight against the spiritual forces of evil.

Never have I been more aware of the real presence of the enemy, or of God's power over him.
I think many times as Christians we may avoid this topic, it isn't the most popular. I think we do ourselves and the body a disservice in doing so. I myself considered not writing this post, because of the fact that it is a very unpopular topic, but I know there is power in reminding those around us, that we are HIS and we have HIS strength on our side.

I have been attacked mercilessly in the past few months, and I was allowing the enemy in, and he was winning. But God's strength is greater. God's faithfulness is far beyond any willpower I may have. All I did was cry out and He delivered me. And He did it in a way that let me know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it was HE who saved me, it was HE whose power overcame my struggle.

It is important to remember that as people who love Jesus and follow Him, we will be attacked. We will be vulnerable if we are light in this world. But more important to remember is that:

"you belong to God, my dear children...the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world." 1 John 4:4

My Life List

2011-08-10T09:54:00.002-04:00

Some people have "bucket lists". I don't have one of those, but I do have a list in my mind of things I absolutely want to try at least once, in the next....5 years.
Some of these things may actually turn into more than just trying. Some of these things I may discover I truly love and continue them until my last day on earth.
Since I don't know which of these things will endure and which ones won't, I am very excited to begin and discover what I will truly love.
So here goes:

-take piano lessons (i have a sneaky feeling that this is a keeper, as long as I don't wimp out)
-photography
-take an art class (already enrolled in one...we'll see how that goes!)
-pick up dancing again, where I left off
-learn how to and plant a garden, so I can feed my family with REAL FOOD ;-)
-learn how to make Jam
-take a formal cooking class
-go on a Spiritual Retreat

Those are some of the things that have been floating around in my mind, and I find it helpful to write them down, lest I forget any!!

So here goes..next up is Drawing class. We'll see how I do...I have a feeling I will love it. :-)

Growing up

2011-08-10T09:31:00.002-04:00

Growing up can do a lot of good things for us, if done right.

I am noticing myself growing up these days. I notice that when I watch a movie for example, I identify more with the middle aged couple who is fighting for their love and life, rather than the cute young couple with their budding romance.
I notice that on the rare occasion that I am browsing for a magazine to bring home, I am more attracted to "More" magazine (geared to women over 50) than 90% of the magazines aimed at my demographic.

I am noticing that I am welcoming a more mature side of me that has been slowly creeping into my life. This side of me is strong, opinionated, but waaaaaaaaaaay more relaxed at the same time. Kind of an interesting paradox. This side of me knows more than it used to, but realizes how little it actually knows.

In these days and months of introspection and self discovery I have come to realize a few very liberating things about myself. I have discovered that it is ok to be different.
I have discovered that I have been judging myself all these years for not performing to the standard that is set for a woman my age, with my faith, with my skills, potential, etc...
I have discovered that God has made me this way and HE DOESN'T CARE about my performance, He cares about my heart. And so, I don't care either.
I am discovering the sweet freedom of my Father's Love based on the sole fact that He made me and knows me and deeply delights in me.
I am discovering to indulge a little in all the little things that interest me, even if it means never specializing in any of them. I am discovering to savor and taste each day's little delights without worrying that they may not "amount" to anything in the end.
I am learning to truly hold on to what I have always known. That in the end, what matters has nothing to do with those things we spend so much of our days consumed by. What really matters are the things we are always too busy to fit into our days.
Allow me to make a sample list of these things that until recently I have been too distracted to truly enjoy:

-a truly rib squeezing hug from my boy
-a sweet kiss from my man
-a "cheshire cat" grin from anyone I love
-a warm and inviting cup of coffee
-my dogs playing with my son (notice I didn't say it the other way around)
-a wonderful chat with a dear friend
-a good HOUR of inspiring and recharging Yoga
-a good and hearty chuckle
-the time to enjoy writing, just because I love to
-the time to enjoy reading, just because I love to
-the quiet and stillness
-the noise and excitement (usually when Lakelan is home)
-a wonderful glass of red wine
-watering my (NOT DEAD) plants

there are many more....I am not saying that I have not enjoyed those things. I am saying I have been so distracted by what has been running in the back of my mind that so much of the enjoyment was being sucked out, unbeknownst to me.
Only now that I am truly present, do I NOTICE the difference. My gosh, I have been sleep walking through life! NOW I am awake, and now I feel those things so much more...
they feel real, they feel like LIFE revealing itself to me.
Some moments even feel, divine, they feel as though God is reaching down into my life to hand me these wonderful little presents.

I re-read some of my own blog entries from 5 or 6 years ago and it seems as though I have been circling this very concept all this time. But it finally feels as though I have reached its core.
Not by anything I have done, but by simply letting go. I have found God's peace in simply abandoning whatever expectations or plans I had for myself. For what makes up a "worthy" life.
A worthy life is lived with love, through and for love. A worthy life is REAL and genuine.
It is all I can claim today. By God's and my standards, it is worthy, and I can keep on just the way I am.
Sweet freedom....thank you Jesus.

THANK YOU GOD!!!!

2011-06-23T15:22:00.003-04:00

I have not really taken the time to share much about my sister on this blog, because I try to respect people's privacy.

Suffice it to say that she has had a REALLY rough journey this past year and I wanted so badly to be able to give her rest, and love and comfort.I was hoping that she would be able to come visit so she could have a Florida vacation with us but it was looking unlikely to say the least.

There was the finances, the fact that she needed passports for herself and her two children, and then the fact that she needed to apply for a tourist VISA to even be allowed to get access to the US.
All these things take time, preparation, money, and quite a bit of "luck"(not really like, more like..God's help). Well...time was NOT on our side, money was not on our side, the circumstances were just not looking good. But as it turns out, God wanted to bless us, and so, against all odds, she has passports, she was JUST approved for a VISA and she has tickets. SHE IS COMING!!!!

I am very much looking forward to loving on her, having her near, laughing together, crying together, doing life together with our families. I love her so much and I will treasure having her in my home.

Thank you God....THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Paradox

2011-06-19T20:12:00.004-04:00

Well, I've done it again....I found a new favorite author, Parker Palmer.

The man has a real gift and way with words, but beyond that, I feel so identified with his way to view and live out his spirituality.

Reading his book "The Promise of Paradox" this weekend I found that this particular passage really summed up so much of what I experience in my own journey, and so I wanted to share. Interestingly, this passage is not even written by him, but instead it's a quote from Thomas Merton:
"I have had to accept the fact that my life is almost totally paradoxical. I have also had to learn gradually to get along without apologizing for the fact, even to myself. And perhaps this preface is an indication that I have not yet completely learned. No matter. It is in the paradox itself, the paradox which was and is still a source of insecurity, that I have come to find the greatest security. I have become convinced that the very contradictions in my life are in some way signs of God's mercy to me; if only because someone so complicated and so prone to confusion and self-defeat could hardly survive for long without special mercy."

He goes on and deeper into what this paradoxical living looks like, which I am finding more and more interesting. But this passage did a great job in my opinion at setting the stage. I think as Christians we have a hard time truly accepting our whole experience on earth, because so much of it isn't black and white and straight forward. We struggle because we want concrete, definite and defined lines and boundaries and neat little boxes where our theories and beliefs can fit.
But this spiritual life is full of paradox, and though we are saved by grace, our shadow side still exists. I want to learn to live within the paradox, rather than trying to deny or hide from it. In the paradox we find God's grace, and if we can accept it, we can be freed by it.

Waiting...

2011-04-12T12:52:00.002-04:00

Since I am not by any stretch a poet or songwriter, I find it useful sometimes to borrow the words of those who
craft words so wonderfully eloquently I just have to borrow them, because it is as if they are looking in my soul and writing about me.

Such is the case with this Colin Hay song:

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I'll keep checking the horizon
I'll stand on the bow, feel the waves come crashing
Come crashing down down down, on me

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart
Let the light shine in
But don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

When I awoke today, suddenly nothing happened
But in my dreams, I slew the dragon
And down this beaten path, and up this cobbled lane
I'm walking in my old footsteps, once again
And you say, just be here now
Forget about the past, your mask is wearing thin
Let me throw one more dice
I know that I can win
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Any minute now, my ship is coming in
I’ll keep checking the horizon
And I'll check my machine, there's sure to be that call
It's gonna happen soon, soon, soon
It's just that times are lean

And you say, be still my love
Open up your heart, let the light shine in
Don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin

Looking for gold

2011-04-10T16:16:00.006-04:00

A while back I posted about "self made prisons" and the things we tell ourselves out of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of challenges, fear ofgrowing pains...

I have been reading a lot lately, and been doing even more introspecting than I was doing a couple of months ago (I could hardly believe that was possible!) and the theme keeps resounding in my head.

To live authentic lives, to be faithful to whom God has made us to be, to truly look inward to see what is the raw material one has to work with, seems like a no-brainer and the best course of action, but in my experience it is a tall order. Few of us deliberately choose to live lives that betray our innermost desires, few of us choose to live non authentically, yet in my experience so many of us do, for so many reasons.

It really can take many different shapes and it can look different for everyone, but I do sometimes wonder, how many of us are really living genuine, real lives, full of the wonder and passion that God instilled in us?

I asked myself this very question and through much scrutiny found I had constructed a life that looked good on the outside, that conformed to my values, and that seemed to "fit", yet I could not for the life of me figure out why I was feeling so restless and dissatisfied. I felt I "should' feel blessed and happy, I "should" be content, I felt unchristian for feeling dissatisfied instead. I felt ungrateful. So for a while I chose to be grateful and chose to ignore what my feelings were trying to tell me.

At a certain point I could no longer ignore it. So I got over the guilt feelings long enough to truly explore what might be causing my dissatisfaction. And I found all sorts of stuff in there!
God goes with me, I am not judged for feeling this way, in fact I was doing myself a disservice by NOT honoring myself and my feelings and take them as hints and allow myself the journey of self exploration that was required.

And that is what I am in the middle of. I rest on God's promise that He will be there and help me through. I hope for His wisdom and knowledge of me to guide me through the one He has made.
I pray for the strength to take action when necessary, to honor my desires and wishes and dreams. I refuse to live a well constructed life anymore, I choose to live a real life, that reflects who I am, and not who I believe I ought to be. The path is by no means a straight or easy one, but it is worth taking. I will stumble and fall many times, but as one of my new favorite authors (Sam Keen) says"where we stumble and fall, there we find the gold".

I pray for gold, even though it may take a big fall.

"The Art of Loving" by Erich Fromm

2011-03-06T16:30:00.003-05:00

"The basic need to fuse with another person so as to transcend the prison of one's separateness is closely related to another specifically human desire, that to know the "secret of man". While life in its merely biological aspects is a miracle and a secret, man in his human aspect is a miracle and a secret, man in his human aspects is an unfathomable secret to himself--and to his fellow man. We know ourselves, and yet even with all the efforts we may make, we do not know ourselves. We know our fellow man, and yet we do not know him, because we are not a thing, and our fellow man is not a thing. The further we reach into the depth of our being, or someone else's being, the more the goal of knowledge eludes us.Yet we cannot help desiring to penetrate into the secret of man's soul, into the innermost nucleus which is "he"."

Not sure I need to add anything to this brilliant passage, but I will....It is fascinating to me that although we can never truly and fully know, we cannot help desiring, and striving toward it. After all, what is life if not a compelling journey of self discovery and of discovery of those around us?

Bits and pieces of inspiring and neat lyrics, just because...

2011-03-04T20:26:00.006-05:00

Nickel Creek -Hanging by a Thread

There's a kind of emptiness that can fill you.
There's a kind of hunger that can eat you up.
There's a cold and darker side of the moonlight.
An' there's a lonely side of love.

There's a certain kind of pain that can numb you.
There's a type of freedom that can tie you down.
Sometimes the unexplained can define you,
And sometimes, silence is the only sound.

Diego Torres-Soy de la Gente

Porque la vida es mezcla de ilusión y risa, de dolor y pena
siempre es igual

Ey nunca te rindas nunca te eches pa´tras que la vida es una no más
No te rindas hoy, tu eres luchador busca ser mejor que en la vida
todo se aprende.

Diego Torres-Quisiera

Siento que me elevo por momentos
sin ayuda del aire ni del viento
acaricio las estrellas sonriendo
y mis lagrimas van cayendo sobre el tiempo
me gustaria expresar con palabras lo que siento
cada vez que te miro y no te encuentro

Quisiera ser el angel que vive en tus suenos
quisiera ser la voz que guarda tus secretos
quisiera ser la luz que ampara tu camino
quisiera ser tu septimo sentido
y sin respirar, seguire viviendo igual

Quiero caminar hacia adelante
disfrutar de esta vida que es un arte
y saber que hubo buenas y hubo malas
si perdi o gane fue una jugada
y entre la risa y el dolor
cicatrizan los errores
Dios dira lo que el futuro esconde

Rob Thomas-Streetcorner Symphony

Some people
It's a pity
They go all their lives and never know
How to love or to let love go
But it's alright now
We'll make it through this somehow
And we'll paint the perfect picture
All the colors of this world will run together more than ever
I can feel it
Can you feel it

Come on over
Down to the corner
My sisters and my brothers of every different color
Can't you feel that sunshine telling you to hold tight
Things will be alright
Try to find a better life
Come on over
Down to the corner
My sisters and my brothers there for one another
Come on over
Man I know you wanna let yourself go

John Mayer-Great Indoors

Check your pulse it's proof that you're not listening to
The call your life's been issuing you
The rhythm of a line of idle days

Scared of a world outside you should go explore
Pull all the shades and wander the great indoors
The great indoors

So go unlock the door
And find what you are here for
Leave the great indoors
Leave the great indoors

self made prisons

2011-02-27T11:34:00.002-05:00

It seems a common ailment among humans...unfulfilled wishes and the lack of initiative and courage for change,willingness to risk..I certainly have been guilty of it and in some ways still am.

We are creatures of habit and comfort, and it requires a pretty high probability for a really big "treat" in exchange for our efforts in order to make us consider a change in behavior, a risk, a leap of faith.

By the time we have reached maturity we have become well adept at identifying our comfort zones, our areas of expertise, we know what we can and cannot do (or we think we do), and it is so much easier to live within those limitations than to change, right?

It may be easier, but is it really living? Is limiting ourselves to what we know and what is easy and comfortable the wisest use of our short time on this earth? Is what we have to lose so important that we'd rather not risk? In some instances it might be. But more often than not, the fear of taking a chance only has to do with our pride, with coming face to face with something in us we'd rather not see, losing something we never really had in the first place. It may very well have to do with facing reality as opposed to living an illusion.

Change is hard, no doubt, and most of us only change when it seems there are no other alternatives. Some of us do take chances and risks, some fail, some succeed but that hardly is the point. I believe the point is to live life with a hope that we are rewarded for the steps we take, not for the results; that we are rewarded for getting up after falling, learning from our mistakes and trying another way. We are rewarded with insight and wisdom and a knowledge of ourselves and the world around us that we might not have had if we had stayed in our safe cocoon of self preservation.

I want that. I want a life that is dynamic, full of trying, failing, learning, succeeding. I want it because until now I have stayed "safe". All this time I have thought that my many decisions to stay the same had to do with how much work changing is, and how much time and commitment it can require, and how I was choosing to focus my time and energy otherwise, but I was only lying to myself. I realized, and have slowly and gradually been realizing, that so many of my decisions have been influenced by my need to feel safe and comfortable and NOT fail. Because failing..well...who wants that? It would say so much about who I am and who I'm not. It would maybe prove the nasty things I think about myself that I don't share with anyone, it could mean I have to change even more in light of what I might learn about myself in the process.

But I do want that. I want life. I choose to risk now, because not to risk is a level of self denial I am not willing to impose on myself. I choose to love myself enough to take a chance because failing would not be any worse than subjecting myself to a self made prison that keeps my world and who I am limited to a set of rigid beliefs that might no longer truly apply. I choose it because I refuse to let fear motivate my decisions.

I choose to be uncomfortable.. to invest and to change if only just a little at a time...so I may learn and grow, because "it is hard to let go of a comforting illusion, but harder still to construct a happy life out of perceptions and beliefs that do not correspond to the world around us."(Too soon old, too late smart, by Gordon Livingston)

Shakespeare Sonet 116

2011-02-05T21:28:00.001-05:00

I felt like sharing this tonight. It needs no comment or explanation.

"Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove:

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark,

Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle's compass come:

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,

I never writ, nor no man ever loved."

William Shakespeare

the mood that I am in....

2011-01-22T10:29:00.002-05:00

Ok, so as I have mentioned in the past there are only about 5 of you who read my blog once in a while, and really, some of things I post, I know interest only me, so...please indulge me

I find that music is very therapeutic and powerful in my life.
I am typically a very upbeat, light type of personality, as most who know me already have observed. I am outgoing, very much a people person, and love to enjoy friends' company, laughter and fun, and among the things I truly enjoy is good music.
But from time to time I do find myself in very reflective and introspective moods....this one is lasting quite a bit longer than I'm used to, and as I sink deeper into reflection, I notice I have been enjoying time alone in my car, while I drive to and from all of my daily obligations, time spent with my music. And so I am also noticing the kind of music I am drawn to these days, so as I said indulge me while I share the mood that I am in, musically speaking...

Maroon 5
Won't Go Home Without You
Sunday Morning
Better That We Break
Sweetest Goodbye

Mercy Me
Homesick
Keep Singing

John Mayer
Say

Jason Mraz
Absolutely Zero
O Lover
Sleep All Day

Sade
By Your Side

The Fray
Hundred

Matchbox 20
How Far We've Come

Nickel Creek
Beauty And The Mess

John Legend
Save Room

Chris Rice
Belong
Home Tonight

James Blunt
Billy
Goodbye My Lover

So there it is, Laura's Reflection & Introspection Playlist ;-)
Mind you some of the songs have nothing to do lyrically with what's going on inside my head, but they have an absolutely intoxicating and captivating rhythm or melody and that's why they are on this list.

If any of you decide to take a listen to any of them, let me know what you think...if you want ;-)

introspecting...

2011-01-19T21:13:00.003-05:00

I was thinking recently in light of some recent events, about how introspective I tend to be.

In and of itself, the fact that I was thinking about how I AM introspective seems downright redundant... It's almost like I am thinking about my thinking....yikes

I am not someone who tends to fall prey to anxiety or repetitive thoughts that haunt me...I know people like that who can't find rest from their own brains at times and I do not envy that at all.

What I experience is quite different...it is as though my brain insists on taking me on a journey whether I am prepared and willing or not. It seems to happen on its own and all I know is after a few days of it, I am exhausted. It feels like I am taking one long trip into my subconscious and coming out none the wiser or better in any way... but then again maybe I don't think (there it is again) I am better or wiser, but it could just be part of a longer, more involved process that will get me to a certain "better" place eventually. I guess it could be part of growing up...

I know God has wired me in a certain way and I am learning, now in my 30's, to truly embrace and not struggle against it. I ride it out and try my best to learn something.
Perhaps it is the unintended gift of a damaged childhood...the gift of over-analizing life...

Through my tour de force into my brain this week I have come to the same conclusion over and over that I had already reached some time ago...Life is too short to be petty....too short for the unimportant inconsequential things we sometimes seem to get caught up in. Too short for forgetting to love...too short for forgetting to kiss those we love, hug them, snuggle with them...too short to not let my dog hop on my bed with me...too short to spend any time wishing instead of doing,...friendship really is worth nurturing, that sunset really IS worth stopping for, that child really IS worth listening to...

I know...it's trite, it's been said so many times before, and yet, we are stubborn humans and it seems we cannot get enough reminders of how UNIMPORTANT so many of the things that clutter our days are.

What I do today, matters tomorrow, one way or another. If I spend time on inconsequential stuff today, I might regret that tomorrow, and regret is, well...a waste of a TOO short life.

friendship

2011-01-15T14:52:00.005-05:00

Thank God for the restorative power of friendship... Without it, the sometimes excruciating journey would be too much to bear...

that was my Facebook status today....as I am enjoying the visit of a special, lovely friend, with whom I connect deeply.

Recently life has handed me a particularly tough pill to swallow, an emotional trying bomb of sorts that just keeps exploding over and over again, a brand new level of awareness hitting me every so often. I am respecting the privacy of those involved, so I won't go into the details of the circumstances, suffice it to say, my family is in turmoil, life as I know it has forever changed, and this realization keeps hitting me over and over again on a daily basis now.

In the midst of this situation and this season in life, my great friend Ruth was coming to visit and it seemed like such bad timing as I prepared my home to welcome her, it seemed that I wouldn't possibly be able to enjoy her, her visit, or my time with her, because...well, it seems there wouldn't be much I could enjoy these days. And yet I felt a deeply reassuring arm of God around me as she held me, as she came into my home and listened, and we shared what our journeys have brought us to the past few years. Turns out, it was excellent timing, in more than one way.

So as I spend my day with her, and we share this very special bond and enjoy each other's company and our sisterhood in Christ, as she walks with me these couple of days, I am so deeply aware of the power of friendship and companionship.

Life is full of things we can't explain, things that take our breath away, things that bring us to our knees in desperation, things that shake us to our very core. God promises to walk with us, promises to go before us, but He has also given us treasures along the path to hold our hands, wipe away tears, bring us comfort in the midst of the storm.

I am struggling to sort things out, and to move forward from here, but...I am taking delight in the treasures He is giving me, I am hanging on to the strength around me and I am taking each breath with as much faith and hope as I can muster, for now. And because I have strength around me, I can take the next breath. And that's enough for now.

Thank God for friends, thank God for fellow travelers...

Prone To Wander

2010-09-11T17:48:00.003-04:00

Lately God has been chasing me...in a good way of course :-)

He has been showing me so much, opening me up to so much, waking me up really, and as I was driving today and listening to my favorite Chris Rice songs I found myself enthusiastically singing along with the chorus to "Prone to Wander" relating so well to what he is trying to say about the way we can sometimes "forget" or choose to walk away and do things our own way only to find our way back and see that He is so willing and ready to love and embrace us and take us where He wants us to go.

I am filled with peace and joy today, knowing that as I make my way back from my self centered and self sufficient ways to Him, as I open myself up to live by His Spirit, He is smiling and eagerly stretching His hand out to me, so that I may follow.

So I felt like sharing the lyrics of this wonderful song with everyone out there who might feel as I do from time to time:

Prone To Wander by Chris Rice

On the surface not a ripple
Undercurrent wages war
Quiet in the sanctuary
Sin is crouching at my door

How can I be so prone to wander
So prone to leave You
So prone to die
And how can You be so full of mercy
You race to meet me and bring be back to life

I wake to find my soul in fragments
Given to a thousand loves
But only One will have no rival
Hangs to heal me, spills His blood

How can I be so prone to wander
So prone to leave You
So prone to die
And how can You be so full of mercy
You race to meet me and bring be back to life

Curse-reversing Day of Jesus
When You finally seize my soul
Freedom from myself will be
The sweetest rest I've ever known

How can I be so prone to wander
So prone to leave You
So prone to die
And how can You be so full of mercy
You race to meet me and bring be back to life

P90X progress report III

2010-09-11T17:20:00.003-04:00

Well, here I am it is September 11th and I am finishing week 10.

I can't believe I am actually so close to the finish line, 2 more intense weeks, 1 recovery week and I'll be an official P90X grad :-)

So far my feedback continues to be very positive as I progress, I continue to enjoy the workouts, I continue to put in my 6 days a week, plus the occasional double work out. I continue to endure the soreness and stiffness, and I am continuing to see progress in my strength, stamina and flexibility....and of course, the lost inches ;-)

I went ahead and finally bought a pull up bar, because I suspected that using the resistance band wasn't quite cutting it, and boy was I RIGHT!! Now, I am not claiming to be able to actually perform A PULL UP, I do have to use a chair to help me out, but the muscles are all getting the work out that it is intended for, so I am very excited to see if maybe someday in the future I will be able to do an actual honest to goodness pull up, with no chair....only time and sweat will tell!

I continue to hate Yoga X and I think I have figured out why. All the P90X workouts are so full of variety it keeps things interesting and it makes it go by fast. You challenge yourself in different ways within a work out so you don't feel like you're doing the same thing over and over for an hour. Yoga X is quite repetitive, at least the first 45 minutes...and then there's another 45 minutes of a little more varied moves to reward you for surviving that first part. I continue to do it but man...I DO NOT enjoy it, it is the only work out I have to consistently dread. Not bad considering there are about 12 different workouts in the set!

So all in all, I am very encouraged and excited to see how far I've come and looking forward to see how far I can still go.

Bring it Tony....BRING IT!

P90X progress report II

2010-08-15T10:35:00.002-04:00

I have purposely waited a while to post again on this subject so as to not become annoying....oops, too late you say? :-P

Ok...I am now at the end of week 6 and I must say, I feel GOOD! I have actually not even needed recovery drinks after work outs and the soreness is definitely there but absolutely manageable and even somewhat enjoyable (I know..craziness)

I have only skipped 3 work outs in the past 6 weeks, which I think I can consider a success given how life has a way of, well, getting IN the way. I even brought the discs with me while out of town and made a friend of mine do Yoga with me (any excuse to NOT have to do yoga alone!).

One thing has changed, I actually switched to the "Lean" program, which is a slightly different version of the "classic" program meant for those who want to burn more calories and get rid of excess...um..stuff :-)
I had initially considered the lean program when I began but chose the classic because I do enjoy lifting weights quite a bit, but after trying the "Core Synergistics" work out during recovery week and realizing that I absolutely LOVE it I decided to switch to the program that has me doing Core Syn every week :-) in place of one of the lifting work outs.

All this may sound like a lot of blablabla to most...so I will just sum it up.

I love P90X. I love the variety, the challenge and the soreness. I am very glad to have come this far but I do also look forward to continuing and seeing my gains in strength, flexibility, and overall fitness. I am so glad I took my good friend's advice and went for it!
Thanks D.!!!!! :-)

P90X progress report

2010-07-20T15:32:00.002-04:00

Ok, so not much to report, except, I completed my second week today! WOOHOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Soreness has now become a way of life, a welcome and expected part of the process :-)

I am noticing that it is becoming slightly easier to get through each workout with 2 exceptions:
-Ab Ripper X; those 18 minutes of core exercises always has me reaching for the fast forward button!!!
-Yoga X was still very, VERY intense!

I am also noticing that I need bigger weights for some of the routines, (that's right BIGGER!! ;-)) which is encouraging, though expensive to do...

This Thursday I begin my third and final week in Phase 1, then comes the much dreaded "recovery" week. I use quotes because although it is a recovery from strength training, it is a very strenuous week in other ways, (Yoga X twice in one week..YOUZA).

Wish me luck! :-)

On a tastier note, after considering spending lost of cash on a "Recovery Drink", which is supposed to help the recovery of the muscles, replenish glycogen, etc etc I did some internet research and stumbled upon an article extolling the wonderful restorative powers of Chocolate Milk! That's right, chocolate milk can be used as a recovery drink as it contains the same ratio of protein/Carbs, and well, it's cheap and tastes DELICIOUS!

So I look forward to my recovery drink every day now, after my very tough work out!

Thank you for reading and have a happy and chocolatey day everyone (all 5 of you) ! :-)

P90X progress report

2010-07-11T21:26:00.002-04:00

Ok, so it is only day 5, why bother with a progress report?

Well, mostly because writing about it helps me stay motivated, so it is a completely selfish motive, please indulge me....or don't...it's not as though I can tell whether or not anyone is readin... ;-)

My first impression of this program is..IT ROCKS! I really like it, I like how hard it is, I like Tony Horton (yes that's right, I SAID IT!) and his style of instructing, I like the variety of work outs, I just plain like it. Don't get me wrong, it is very hard work, but I guess that's what I was looking for, a good challenge!

So, day 5 and I'd have to say, as much as it hurts, I liked the Plyometrics work out the best. It was by far the most challenging for me, because it is hard core cardio and balance and I think the fact that I was able to complete it on my first try made me feel, well, really good!

I like all the strength training work outs because it is what comes easiest to me, though the chest and back work out was a BRUTAL way to begin...

I am finding it easier to eat way better as a result because I am motivated to fuel my body properly so I can get through the workouts, which is an added unexpected bonus.

Now, the big question is, will I still feel this way 2 weeks from now? Stay tuned.... ;-)

P90X

2010-07-07T21:25:00.005-04:00

I have to think that of the say..5 people who read my blog ;-) at least 2 of you have got to have heard of P90X, "extreme home fitness" program by now.

For those of you who haven't (that'd be about 3 of you) here it is in a nutshell: you spend about $140 for a set of workout DVD's and a couple of instruction books on how to reaaaaaally torture yourself for 90 days in order to achieve a stronger, leaner, healthier you. You follow the exercise schedule outlined, work out 6 days a week and eat lots and lots of protein.

Now, typically I HATE jumping on the bandwagon of seemingly too good to be true hyped up infomercial type "programs". Mostly because I have engaged in some sort of physical activity for the past 10 years and I subscribe to the idea that as long as you are willing to sweat and keep at it, you will be healthier and generally stronger and leaner, no need to do anything EXTREME.

But...I'm in the mood for a challenge. For the first time in years I do not have a gym membership (due to current circumstances)and I have been feeling sluggish and lazy and generally NOT comfortable in my own body for months now, and feel like saying ENOUGH! I AM going to do something extreme, just to prove I CAN and to improve my overall well being.

I also saw the results firsthand in a good friend of mine (Thanks for the inspiration D.!!!) which made me think...I would NOT mind that! ;-) That made me dig deeper, ask questions, read the books and even try a couple of the workouts, which in turn lead me to believe I would enjoy pushing myself in this way, achieving a new level of fitness, and well, looking better couldn't hurt right? ;-)

So here I go...I am excited to begin and wondering how much more sore I will be typing in say..6 days time? I'll keep all 5 of you posted ;-)

Ragamuffins

2010-07-07T10:06:00.009-04:00

I don't really have any new words of my own, it's just, the more I read Brennan Manning, the more I want to share his words with everyone out there who is on the journey I find myself on.
The journey towards towards a stripped down and genuine self, towards real love for others, towards true and utter freedom in Jesus.

So here are some words that deeply convicted me as I read them last night:

From "The Ragamuffin Gospel" by Brennan Manning
The letter of James counsels: Confess your sins to one another(James 5:16). This sanctuary practice aims to guide us in accepting ownership of our ragamuffin status, but as Dietrich Bonhoeffer noted, "He who is alone with his sins is utterly alone. It may be that Christians, not withstanding corporate worship, common prayer, and all their fellowship in service, may still be left to their loneliness. The final breakthrough to fellowship does not occur because, though they have fellowship with one another as believers and as devout people, they do not have fellowship as the undevout, as sinners. The pious fellowship permits no one to be a sinner. So everyone must conceal his sin from himself and from their fellowship. We dare not be sinners. Many Christians are unthinkably horrified when a real sinner is suddenly discovered among the righteous. So we remain alone with our sin, living in lies and hypocrisy. The fact is that we are sinners!" At Sunday worship, as in every dimension of our existence, many of us pretend to believe we are sinners. Consequently, all we can do is pretend to believe we have been forgiven. As a result, our whole spiritual life is pseudo-repentance and pseudo-bliss.

That pretty much sums it up for me. Once again, it's those masks we wear, except in "christian culture" it's more than wanting to one up each other or make ourselves look better, it is more than that. It is not allowing ourselves to embrace the fact that even though we are FULLY forgiven by our Creator, we really are still sinners, struggling to keep going, in the muck and mire of this chaotic earthly life. Not one of us is better than any other. Not one of us has it all figured out.
I have been in situations where I have judged others for their sins. I am not above it, I have thought "shouldn't they know better?" and I have issued judgment instead of acceptance and forgiveness. And then I have been on the receiving end of that question " Laura, shouldn't you know better?" It's no fun to be on the receiving end (though I have been on the receiving end of grace and that is nice :-)) to know that you've screwed up, you've hurt and disappointed someone, you have chosen wrong, you have chosen sin.
But, it is no good to be on the giving end either, because, it is not love. It is not what Jesus did for his own, for Peter who chose wrong, for all of us, before we even asked, before we even knew we needed Him. What He did do is teach us how to love one another.
Can't we just accept and expect that those around us WILL behave sometimes in less than God honoring ways and love them through that? Can't we all see that an outstretched arm is infinitely more helpful than a pointing finger? And if we did, wouldn't people all around us feel safe enough to actually confess their sins to us so they can be free of the burden of loneliness? And wouldn't it be nice to feel safe enough to confess our sins without fear of losing out somehow?

I strive to accept and expect that because it is the only way to true fellowship with others. Honest, open and real relationship with those God has given me to love. I DON'T want to care what people THINK of ME, I want to care more about whether I am loving them well and whether I am being loved well.

I do still care what people think, about me, my image, my "performance" in life, (how do I look, what I do for a living, how my house looks, how my son behaves, how my marriage looks to others, and on and on) but of all the things I have ever wanted, being FREE of this has got to be among the top desires of my heart. To be free of performance anxiety, to be free of "what will people think" -itis, to be free of counterfeit relationships that serve only to stroke our egos.

To live in the peace of knowing that loving gets me way more brownie points ;-) HA! just kiddin'

but seriously, can't we all just get along? :-)

Jason Mraz

2010-07-06T15:44:00.004-04:00

Those who know me know, I love Jason Mraz.

Maybe that's not the right expression, I don't know Jason Mraz, so I don't love HIM per se, but I do love his music and I love his style.

What I most respond to is his genuine approach, his humble appearance, his non pretentious way to present himself. He is one of the most successful musicians out there right now, yet he does not show any signs of being full of himself. On the contrary he seems to have no problem making a fool of himself just to get a laugh out of folks, a quality which I especially admire, as a fellow fool :-)

Maybe I'm wrong, after all, how much can you really know about someone whose job is to present a face, an image and a style that people respond to?
I have been known to be quite cynical at times, but even I would prefer to think he is what we see, true to himself and just really good at sharing what is in his heart and in his mind in a very groovy and eloquent way.

He has a true gift. His music is fun, inspired AND inspiring, moving,dynamic, his song writing is as he puts it wordplay, and he seems to have a heck of a time playing with words as he sings, his vocal talent is among the best in my humble opinion....and he makes it look...easy and fun. Just a treat for the ears all around, and if you see him live, quite the experience for the senses.

I find his enthusiasm down right contagious...his music instantly puts me in a mood....depending on the song it can be a happy silly mood, a dancing mood, a contemplative mood, but I find it almost impossible to not react and respond to it.

So, for those of you who care to listen, here is one of his great performances, I hope you enjoy it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCgCmB0QsL4

No pretense

2010-07-05T18:33:00.004-04:00

Among the books I mentioned in my previous blog that I've been reading, there has been a fair amount of Brennan Manning books lately, incidentally, I highly recommend ALL his stuff...and I just, love how absolutely stripped down he is, how honest and real he is, because, that is what I strive to be.

At the risk of being a bit redundant after my last blog.....I HATE getting caught up in playing the game, though I do, I am human after all ;-), but I am happiest when I really have the guts to be open and real, to show everyone my weakness, my fleshly-ness, but neediness, my annoying habits, etc.

Trying to cover up those things after a while can be so exhausting! Not to mention, when I experience being loved AFTER having had the heart to strip myself of all pretense, image maintenance and the like, it is true love, true acceptance of who I truly am, rather than getting those around me to think of me a certain way. One is love at its most pure and powerful state, the other one is nothing but an ego stroke. I don't know about you but I would so much rather have real love....it's kind of like comparing a hot and gooey homemade chocolate chip cookie with a store bought sugar free, "snack well" cookie. ;-)

Brennan also talks about sometimes getting lost in daily life and the daily mundane things, forgetting to notice the wonder all around us, forgetting to enjoy what is designed to be the most enjoyable, and free things in life. Sounds cliche, but it is SO true and so easy to do.

We do have to do the mundane things, obviously, but I am realizing, that I do want to make an effort in the daily grind to notice the wonder around me. It is everywhere around me everyday, and to my advantage, I have a beautiful 4 year old boy, and that means I have a daily reminder of the heart that Christ desires from us.

An open, inquisitive, easily awed, pure heart, full of wonder and trust, ready to receive real love no matter where it comes from, not caught up in image maintenance, not concerned with the future but fully engaged in the present gift.

I truly believe this is the heart Christ desires from us not for his own purposes, but because he really wants to see us in awe, with wondrous eyes, expectant of what He may give us or show us, so that we may really enjoy life to the full...he deeply longs to fellowship with us in that place.

That is what I most desire to be and to have... honesty, wonder, a heart that is open and lives in the present, and an alive fellowship with my Father, Creator, Lover and Friend.

To experience real and honest love from and with my God and those he has given me to enjoy, it is what I cling onto, it is what will endure in this life, it is what I hope my legacy will be.

Ego

2010-06-01T22:40:00.003-04:00

I read...I'm a reader and love to read...ok, that's redundant..point is, I have been reading a few different books all having to do with walking with God, following Jesus, doing the christian life...

One thing that keeps sticking in my mind as I read so many of these books is how tightly we seem to cling to our ego. Maybe I shouldn't speak for everyone, but I do get the feeling that we all seem to waste entirely too much time doing image control, ego improvement, and the like.

I am deeply convicted of this myself, which is why I write about it here, I am someone very vulnerable to wanting to produce and maintain a certain image to the world. But I get tired of it...So much of the time I would rather just NOT care, I would love to see what would happen if WE ALL agreed that all this "selling" ourselves to others is just silly, that we can really believe the trite idea that just being real, is truly enough.

I know it's how Jesus lived. And if He did...wouldn't it be a good idea for me to as well?
well, sure, in theory, but then there's this thing called BEING HUMAN...ugh!
Still, I strive to be less human in that way...I long to be carefree and allow others to like me or not, love me or not, based on who I truly am, and not the person I "put together" for display.

Not easy...not always natural, but still worth the effort, I think...

Unfortunately so many of us have repeatedly received the message that just US isn't quite...right; or quite, pretty enough, or not as smart as others, not as accomplished, not as giving, not as humble, you name it...and even more unfortunately, we have believed it.
Believed the lie, believed that we are less than we should be. Which is so very silly, cause, you see...He formed us in the womb, to be who we are, and He carries us in His hands....

So we go about working hard at "improving" ourselves, so we can SHOW a "better" self to the world. More often than not that work is a waste of time, mostly because, we were JUST fine to begin with, and sometimes because we're using our time doing ego improvements when we could be using our time loving others, thinking of others, and LESS time looking in and evaluating and striving...

Not sure there is any big revelation here, it's a tale as old as time, we ALL do it, some more some less, I guess lately it's been on my mind more, and I so badly want to be like Jesus and say... I DON'T CARE, I DON'T play that GAME, I just want to be me!
Maybe as I get older He will work on me to get me there..to enjoy that freedom....it sure must be nice...right?

another year...and, no change!

2010-04-12T21:22:00.003-04:00

I have been gone...yet again, for a year! I think it's interesting and funny how that keeps happening

I got the bug to start writing again after watching the movie Julie & Julia, which if you haven't seen,I recommend.

The movie made me think, although I already was in a reflective state of mind, about my life and what it is that makes me the way I am.
I seem to have this idea, that I am somehow unfinished. That there is a great passion, or vocation that seems to somehow escape me, year after year. That there is something I should be studying, investing in, committing to, starting out, but I just can't seem to put my finger on WHAT it is.
Pray as I might, I can't reach a conclusion about what it is that I COULD do, with myself, I read book, and nothing, I research careers, and nothing, I think about the things I like to do and am good at, nothing....And then as I reflected, I decided to go to my blog and check out what I had last written about, HA! it is titled "who I am"
If you follow my blog, I'm sorry about being gone for a year, and coming back with..the SAME existential crisis over and over! :-P

Yes, I am a wife and mother and quite happy to be, and blessed to be able to spend as much time with my family as I can, but I am also a very social person, and thrive in social situations, so I keep thinking there ought to be something out there I could do, should do, that would enrich my life, life of others that I connect with, and make my world more interesting, more diverse, more connected.

Moving to Florida (oh yeah that's right, we moved!) has propelled me into thinking about this even more because we are starting over in so many other ways, it seems like a natural time to be thinking about this...yet again.

So...comments and opinions are welcome, as is constructive criticism :-) Heck, if anyone out there is STILL actually reading after a year, I'm just glad about that!

I hope to write again soon about....something else

who I am

2009-04-03T20:59:00.003-04:00

Lately it seems I've been wrestling more than usual with ideas about..who I am, in life, as a woman, as a person, in God's eyes...I've been reading books, praying, thinking...

I seem to go back and forth a lot, between the place where I am secure in who I am in God, as his daughter, as his child, and the place where I am plagued by my inadequacies, my weaknesses, where I am desperate to feel important, to have people like me and respect me and think certain things about me.

I know the truth. The truth is that who I am in God is enough. What HE THINKS of me is more than enough. WHO He made me to be is enough. His love for me is enough.
That truth helps me get a grip when my crippling insecurities have me spinning out of control. HOWEVER....

I am human...one of my weaknesses is precisely the fact that I focus on my weaknesses...and it seems I find ways to give myself a ZERO in almost every single worldly grading system given the right time and circumstances...I don't look right, I don't speak the right words, think the right thoughts, have the right experience...the list goes on and on...

What's interesting is that, for the most part, the thing that triggers these feelings of self doubt is other people. If all I ever cared about what was what God thinks of me, wants from me, asks of me, I have a feeling my insecure days would be fewer..and not as devastating. But I look around, I compare, I seek approval from the world, the flesh, other fallen ones who have the same weaknesses I have because, well, they are also human, imagine that.

Seems to me, if we all accept the fact that we are human, that we are broken, but that we have a Father who created us, loves us and has saved us...we could all focus on loving each other and giving Him our best. I of course only have control over what I can and will do, and with His help I pray...it will be the latter. To love Him and to seek to please Him,even in my humanness, and to accept, FREELY His unending, unconditional love for me.

I don't have a reason to believe that my tendency to find fault within myself will just go away magically, but for now, as I grow and still wrestle and struggle, I will HOLD tightly onto what I know is TRUTH(as taken from a Chris Tomlin song):

"You see the depths of my heart and you love me the same, you are amazing God"

He knows ALL the parts of me, even the ones that no other human knows, and loves me MORE than any human ever could...paradoxical, isn't it?
Paradoxical and magnificent.

Searching for God knows what

2009-02-23T15:46:00.000-05:00

That is the title of one of the books I've been reading and throughly enjoying lately...This one is by Donald Miller, the author of "Blue Like Jazz", which was also one of my favorite books.
As I read the other day this one passage really struck a chord within me and so I decided to share it with anyone who might be interested. Here goes:

"...what we really need is God.What we really need is somebody who loves us so much we don't worry about death, about our hair thinning, about other drivers pulling in front of us on the road, about whether people are poor or rich,good-looking or ugly,about whether or we feel lonely, or about whether or not we are wearing clothes. We need this;we need this so we can love other people purely and not for selfish gain, we need this so we can see everybody as equals, we need this so our relationships can be sincere, we need this so we can stop kicking ourselves around, we need this so we can lose all self-awareness, and find ourselves for the first time, not by realizing some dream, but by being told who we are by the only Being who has the authority to know, by that I mean the Creator."

I think that pretty much sums up the human plight...to KNOW we are loved, and to know who we are, because He who made us tells us..to know love like we cannot know on earth, and to live and walk in it...and to spread it to those who cross our paths...

Belong, part II

2008-12-27T09:22:00.004-05:00

It amazes me that the months go by, the seasons change, and yet, here I am, posting about, essentially, the same thing I posted about months ago, in August.

Belonging, it seems is something I struggle with. The concept of feeling at ease and complete where I am, who I am with and what I do.
One thing that is becoming more and more clear is how strongly I feel about belonging with my family: my sweet husband and adorable son, and if only temporarily, my kind hearted step-daughter. That is not something I take for granted. The home and life we have created is what brings me the most joy and warmth, and it is what brings meaning and flavor to my life. If life were to never change, I am fully conscious that I have what most people dream of having, struggle to have,and grieve losing. Strong,lasting love, a place to call home, the warmth of those you dedicate your life to, the comfort of someone who knows you, perhaps better than you know yourself.

Having said all that, being the kind of person that I am, I can't escape the feeling of loneliness..the feeling of not quite being in the place where I "fit"...where I make sense. I feel as though I am wired to be a different kind of person than those around me, with different thoughts, desires, priorities...but then again,maybe it's all in my head. I dream of living a life filled with people, sharing life, filled with joy and laughter and shared grief, filled with those around me caring for me,loving me, and I them...but it does not seem to be the way it goes here, where I am today, it seems, life is more of an individual endeavor here, where i find myself, wondering, if there is something not quite right with me, that makes me need others more than I should...
I guess for now it is good enough to know I am blessed and have more than I would have ever dreamed. It is enough to take in what God has given me, and heed his direction.

Belong

2008-08-27T17:17:00.004-04:00

I logged on today to post and realized, today is August 27th 2008...last time I posted anything was August 27 2007...yikes!

Well...a few updates are required...the "new addition" didn't work out, she chewed everything, dug holes in the backyard and had too many accidents, so we found her a new home :-). We're back to our smaller family, except now, Jessica has joined us! So we are minus one dog, plus one teenager :-)

The last year has been full of...life....life happening, with all that entails, good, bad, great.... we had one trip to Argentina in Jan/Feb and then I just recently went again alone (GASP!) for about 10 days...and as it happens almost every time after I go, I have been in a melancholic, reflective, introspective mood ever since coming back 2 days ago...trying to decipher why I always feel this way whenever I return, a bit sad, somewhat lonely, and just like something's missing...perhaps it's just what one feels when there really isn't any one place where one belongs...no one place that is home, no one place that contains everything dear and sweet to one's heart.

And it reminds me of Chris Rice's song "Belong".... whose message is basically... Father has prepared a place for you, Jesus leads you there, to the place where you belong...so I'm trying to let that truth sink in...I belong with my Father, I belong no matter where I may live on his earth...

My baby and I

2007-08-15T14:28:00.000-04:00

Shameless Plug

2007-08-13T13:46:00.000-04:00

For those of you following my husband's "blog book", you'll be glad to know that he finally posted a new chapter.
Hey, the man is meticulous! It took him a year to post this latest one, but hopefully the next one won't take as long!

So, go check it out, and see what you think :-)

I run, therefore I am...skinnier?

2007-08-05T13:51:00.000-04:00

Many of you know I run. I consider myself a runner even though I still struggle to get up to my goal of logging 20 weekly miles, and even though to the naked eye my "running" looks more like jogging or bounce-walking.

I consider myself a runner mostly because I am dedicated. I started running back in 2002 and have been since with a few breaks in between, some due to injury some due to laziness and some due to pregnancy, fatness and overall out-of-shape-ness.
But I'm at it again, this time since April and it always surprises me how much I like it. It does so much for my self-esteem, for that closet athlete in me who loves the feeling of pushing my body to do things I could swear it could not do.

But beyond that, I just love getting out there. And I like the paradoxical feeling that is how something so simple can be so hard. HOw much it can hurt. Oh but it hurts so goooooood!

So I run, and I will probably continue to do so for the rest of my life, or at least as long as my body allows me to do so.
I ran 5 miles this morning with some friends and that just made my day much better than it would hvae otherwise been.
I run, therefore, I'm a runner. Or actually, I love to run, therefore I'm a runner.

Renzo Bertacchini

2007-08-05T13:43:00.000-04:00

Renzo Bertacchini was 91. He passed away last week, alone, in an ICU bed. He was my grandpa. Mi abuelo. Il mio nonno.

I got the news from my sister, poor thing, she didn't know how to tell me, so she wrote me an email because she couldn't call me and say it out loud without sobbing. He was old and ill, so we knew his time was near, and yet the reality of the goodbye hit us hard all the same. We will miss him, with his heavy italian accent, his dry sense of humor, his cheek "pinches". I will miss him.

He made the BEST toasted bread slices (I know, it sounds weird, but in Argentina we don't actually use electric toasters, you have use SKILL!!!) for us when we were kids for our afternoon snack (la merienda, which is an official meal in Argentina).
He walked us to school and picked us up, he loved us in the only way he knew how, with his actions. Sometimes with his super tight hugs. For me the hardest thing has been not being able to be there to see him one last time, to hold his hand, so give him a kiss. To hold my brother and sister as they said goodbye. I was here, not there, and for that I will always be a little sad.

Chau nono. Nos vemos,un beso grande!
Tu nieta, la gordita, la Maria!

Little Children

2007-04-26T14:24:00.000-04:00

"Whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me" said Jesus in Matthew 18:2, and I don't know why but that verse has stuck with me since first I read it.

I have always liked children, and most of the time they seem to like me. And when they like me, it warms my heart! When they smile and greet me, when they hug and kiss me, when they want to hang out with me, it's all a great gift to me.

I'll be honest, sometimes I'm not in the mood...sometimes I'm glad I only have ONE and want to keep my house as relatively quiet and simple as it can be with just the ONE kid. But sometimes I really just enjoy being with children. Today was such a time.
I went to visit my friends the Campbell's and as I came out of my car with Lakelan I heard some noise and looked up, only to see Ian, Alex and Kirstie at the door, yelling "they're here, they're here" in excitement and with big smiles on their faces.
HOW ADORABLE IS THAT?!! They were so excited that aunt Laura was coming to visit. Now THAT warms my heart. THAT puts a smile on my face. THAT is what Jesus was talking about, except, THEY were welcoming ME!!! They sure know how to make you feel special!

We spent time together, I sorted shapes with Kirstie (she guessed my favorite color!!!), made silly jokes to crack Ian up (how cool is it to make a child laugh??!!) watched Alex type to his dad(who was upstairs in his office when I arrived) "aunt Laura is here" and watched Julia eat with a fork (SHE's ADVANCED!!) and had MY little one playing with all the new toys(ones he's never seen before). It was fun. It was great. I thank God for our friends Greg and Jen Campbell, their hearts, their generosity of spirit, and their four adorable children, who for some reason, get excited when aunt Laura visits. :-)

Paul Robert

2007-03-29T08:06:00.000-04:00

As most or all of you know, my husband is Paul Robert Jones. It may look weird for me to introduce him that way, full name and all, but the reason I'm doing that is because he was named after someone, someone quite special. His name was Paul Robert Parsons, and he was my husband's grandfather.

Paul Robert Parsons was better known as Bob, and he was a warm, loving, dedicated father, grandfather and all around family man. I had the honor and pleasure to meet him soon after Paul and I were married back in '99 and I was almost overwhelmed by his instant acceptance of me into his family, and his warm and kind demeanor. He always seemed to have a smile on his face.
He was a man a man of his word who knew what was right and never hesitated to do it, even when it included taking in his daughter and grandson when her husband left. He took the father role in Paul's life for the first couple of years until she remarried. And he remained in Paul's eyes and heart the only true father he'd ever had.

Bob died this past weekend of complications from a long battle with enfezema, and his namesake, his grandson, was there to hold his hand and pray for him as he did. What an honor that was for him, to gently hold and love him as he left this world. Although it was difficult and painful to watch his grandpa go, we were glad we made the trip to Cincinnati (where he lived) to see him one last time. We were glad to remember him with family and friends, and be there to honor his life.

The one thing that kept coming to me was the thought of legacy. The kind of legacy we leave behind when we go is more important than perhaps we realize. This was a man everyone loved, everyone loved to be around, that everyone felt comfortable around. This was a man who could be trusted, and a man who knew how to give of himself to others.
Already I can see where Paul gets his sense of responsibility and dependability. His respect towards others, and perhaps most notably, his love of music, for Bob was a phenomenal piano player who filled the home with melody and joy as he played daily for anyone who would want to listen, which was everyone, and who'd want to sing along.

My last thought is this and it goes to you Bob. I hope I leave a similar legacy when I go. One of love, warmth, trustworthiness, and dependability. I hope my child(ren) and his (or theirs whatever the case may be) children will remember me with the same warmth and affection that yours have for you. You inspired me, as you have many others, to be a better person.

Paul, Grandpa, Me, and Uncle Otto in 1999

A little something about my boy

2007-02-25T08:11:00.000-05:00

Some of you out there know Lakelan, my 13 month old quite well, and some of you not so much, so I thought I would share some cool little facts about him. Now, as a mom I find these really cute and interesting so bear with me if you don't ;-)

-he uses the word "cookie" for lots of things including cookies, crackers, triscuits, animal crackers,cheerios and cheez-its
-his favorite book is "Pile of Puppies" the only book of his that has no words (except for each number that is written out)
-he loves to give kisses :-)
-he loves to ride Tutuca as a horse
-he loves to play "on" the dishwasher door when it's open
-he does NOT like the sound of my mixer (makes it hard to make bread)
-he loves the vacuum (the sound, the light, the actual movement of it)
-he really likes to feed Tutuca his food
-he has a strong passion for Tutuca's water bowl (no matter how much we scold him to him it's still worth a shot getting into)
-he absolutely LOOOOOVES his bath :-) and loves splashing so much, mama gets a shower too

oh and something about mom and dad....we're disgustingly in love with him :-)

Our Little Thanksgiving Bird

2006-11-24T08:47:00.001-05:00

'Tis was thanksgiving morning and all was quite around the Jones home. Mama was feeding baby some breakfast and the dog was lazily laying in her bed, snoring. When suddenly, mama heard some strange noises coming from the woodburning stove pipe and the dog's ears perked up.

It sounded like little feet kicking or little paws scratching. Puzzled, mama thought "perhaps it's just something stuck there" and continued on with the breakfast feeding. But the noise continued, on and off, until she thought, perhaps this was a small animal, and it had to be rescued out of the pipe.

When papa came downstairs for breakfast she mentioned this to him, and he kind of shrugged it off "there is no way a bird could fit through that small opening in the chimney" but decided to open the flue just to make sure there was nothing in there.
He slowly turned the handle and sure enough, "swoosh" a little something fell right into the ashes. A small and frightened blackbird sat there as he looked into their puzzled eyes. Papa was incredulous as mama said "I thought it was a bird! Look at the poor little thing!"

It was not clear what the best way to proceed was, as they feared that upon opening the door to the stove the little one would just fly out into the house desperately seeking a way out. And that's exactly what happened, until the front door was opened and the little blackbird found his way out to freedom, on that sunny thanksgiving morning.

The greatest loss

2006-11-18T09:19:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I was reading my friend Greg's blog (www.gregshead.net) about how his baby girl loves being noticed, and the perhaps innate need we humans have to be paid attention to by others. I commented that I certainly could relate, to having the need to be noticed, listened to, in general, to be loved, and I certainly agreed that children, even as babies, revel in being noticed by others.

Then today I was watching TV, again the show where the main character, a grown woman with her own child, lives in her mother's house after her divorce. As I said in my previous post "My Mom" many of the most entertaining and moving scenes happen when the mother and daughter are together. Today's episode was no different. The mother was talking about the children she gets to see in her profession, abused, battered, emotionally wounded, and as she remembers the "crazy" things she used to do for her daughter when she was growing up, she realizes, these abused children don't have that. They don't have someone to do crazy things for them, out of love for them, she sums it up like this:

"Perhaps their greatest loss is not having someone who will abandon common sense and dignity on their behalf."

I think that is so true! Children need to be noticed, certainly. They also need someone whose love is so overwhelming they will sometimes temporarily abandon common sense and dignity on their behalf. Perhaps when society labels them "weird" for being home schooled, or when their faith clashes with the culture we live in, or when the child for some reason is just "different". They need someone who won't mind being thought a fool to stand up for them, to be strong for them, to abandon "common sense and dignity" if only temporarily.

I didn't have that. My parents were definitely willing to abandon common sense and dignity, not on my behalf, but rather on their own behalf, no matter what that meant for us, their children. HOW VERY SAD.
Yet today I have a Father who notices me, and who went to crazy lengths to stand up for me, so I want to live in that overwhelming love. And I want my son to have someone who will teach him about that love, and put aside their own gain and reputation for his sake.
Out of pure love for him.
And I want that someone to be me.

My little gift from God--part II

2006-10-15T11:33:00.000-04:00

Not too long ago I wrote a post about my bundle of joy TO my bundle of joy, to document the feelings and thoughts I have as we go about our days together, and I just think it is something I will continue to do probably for a long time.

See, the thing is, as any mother out there can probably attest to, we learn so much everyday from our little ones.

I have learned how much MORE patient I can be (at least more than I used to be :-)) I have learned how much love my heart can feel without exploding, I have learned how grateful I can be even when everything else around me seems to be falling apart, because I am looking at this awesome gift God has given to me in my son.

Even as God stretches me and teaches me through the challenging times we have, he also stretches my heart to its fullest capacity, when He shows me just how blessed I am to have this amazing little boy in my life, to teach and to learn from, to love and to be loved by, to laugh with, to kiss, to hold, to comfort.

It is no secret that motherhood and parenting can be difficult, challenging and downright maddening, but I just want to spend as much time as possible thinking about and dwelling on how rewarding, heart-filling and life-giving it can be.

I just hope I can think about this tonight as I drag my tired self into my baby's room and as I comfort him and help him back to sleep. :-)

My God

2006-09-12T08:44:00.000-04:00

I like to have music on whenever I drive anywhere, and Lakelan must have inherited it from me because he is usually very happy in the car, as long as there is music playing. :-)

Lately I have been listening to my Matthew Ward cd's and one of my favorite songs from his albums is called "I will worship you".
I love it because it is a series of attributes about God, and it is sung so honestly, so passionately, that as simple as the words are, they express a direct declaration of the greatness of the God I worship and the love I feel for him.

I love singing along to this song because I can't help but feel this immense closeness to my God and Father, and it just seems to put everything in perspective. If I most need grace at that moment, "My God is mercy" if I have huge problems that I have no solutions for "My God is power", if I need direction in my life, "My God is wisdom".

And the one that has the most impact to me is "His name is LOVE...His heart is tender". He loves me and he has a tender heart towards me. That just puts a smile on my face and warms my heart.

Thank you Father, for your unfailing love toward me.

Lakelan's slideshow-Fotos de Lakelan

2006-09-02T12:12:00.000-04:00

A good friend of mine,Greg :-) has graciously offered to use his web designer privileges to host a couple of short slideshows of Lakelan for all our family and friends that are far away, so...here it is!!!!
All you have to do is click on the link below and it will take you to the "movie" :-) Enjoy!

For those of you without Quicktime, here's a link to download :-) http://www.apple.com/quicktime/download/

Para mis familiares y amigos de habla hispana, aca va: un amigo mio me ofrecio poner un par de pequenas peliculitas de Lakelan (con musica y todo!! que nivel che!) en su pagina de internet, asi las pueden ver.
Para los que no tienen el programa Quicktime, pueden bajarlo de internet en http://www.apple.com/quicktime/download/
Espero que les guste!

Lakelan's Slideshow (1-Minute Version)

See the FULL-LENGTH Lakelan Slideshow!

Some fun with the girls :-)

2006-09-02T09:41:00.000-04:00

Last night Jessica, Kelly and I had some phone with Photo Booth.
Check us out!

Pictures

2006-09-02T07:47:00.000-04:00

I'm Mother Teresa

2006-08-21T16:40:00.000-04:00

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

My Mom

2006-08-05T11:05:00.000-04:00

Recently I was watching re-runs of an old TV show where the main character, a grown woman with her own child, lives in her mother's house after her divorce. Many of the most entertaining and moving scenes happen when the mother and daughter are together. I watch this grown woman, a mother herself, engage in this life enriching relationship with her mother, who is loving, wise if a bit stubborn and bossy, and something is stirred inside me. I miss my mom.

There are probably MANY adults out there who live far away from their mothers who feel this way, but I'm different. You see, I miss the mom I never had. As I have mentioned in earlier posts, my parents were not the way God intended parents to be. There was abuse, there was lack limits, lack of love, true, sacrificial love, the kind a parent is SUPPOSED to have for their children. Not the self-seeking love based on the parents' own needs and insecurities.

My mother grew up in some ways abused as well, and it is my opinion that her emotional growth was stunted at an early age, and that is probably why when she married and had her own children, she wasn't quite able to really LOVE someone, unless that someone in some way performed a specific role in her life, be it make her feel important, or capable, or cared for, etc.
Most her relationships were based on what SHE needed, and her relationship with her children was no different.

I remember that as young children, my siblings and I had a nanny and didn't see my mother much, and then later in life when she was not working ad much she was around, but not really available. The TV was her vest friend, and we mattered only to the extent that we were not distracting her, annoying her, or not doing as well in school as she thought we ought to. (One of the phrases that sticks out in my mind was "You got an A minus? Why not an A?" it seemed I could never do well enough).

I remember days when she would be home when she was supposed to be working, and my first feeling was on of joy. I wanted her around, I wanted to be with her, and yet, the reality of being with her never failed to disappoint me. Each time I would hope and dream of the time we would spend together and invariably the TV would trump me, she'd find something to pick on me about, she'd find a flaw, and ruin my every wish of having a mom who just loved me.

I remember craving her touch. She would sometimes, although rarely, stroke my hair, in the loving, gentle way a mother does, and for those moments her neglect, rudeness, lack of care for me would disappear and I wanted nothing more than for her to stroke my hair until I fell asleep and dreamed of a place where she was always there for me, loving me, caring about me, wanting to talk to me, and do life with me. I miss her. But I have always missed her. She has never been the mom I needed. She failed to protect me and my siblings, she was too busy thinking about herself and her needs. She failed to love me, she failed to be there when I needed her. So I miss her still, and suspect I always will.

And now, I am a mom, and I can think of nothing I'd rather do than to love on my baby boy, hold him, kiss him, stroke his hair. Let him know that no matter what I will be there for him. I will want to do life with him, I will protect him, and although I am human and will fail and one day die, I will point him to the Father who will never fail him, never die and always be there.

My little gift from God

2006-07-27T10:35:00.000-04:00

I decided I really want to document as much as possible the little things that take my breath away as I do life at home with my precious baby, Lakelan.

I won't be able to write down everything, but I do want to record a few things now while they are fresh in my mind, so that one day he and I and dad can look at it and reminisce about these amazing times, when he was just a little baby :-).

And some of those things, I would like to share with the blogging community, so here goes (these are directed AT Lakelan):

_ You are such a character! you are very goofy and make me laugh on a daily basis. Your funny grunt is definitely your trademark!
- I love how you make your desires known. There is very little to figure out, once you want something, you do your very best to communicate that to us, an although it can sometimes be frustrating, I love to see your personality and determination!
-I love how you play with me :-) you pull my hair, bite my chin, and generally treat me as one of your toys, and although it sometimes hurts, I love how you love me!
-I love our quiet times, when you're sleepy and we cuddle, when you nurse and look at me, when you JUST don't want anything but your mama :-)
- I love being your mom, I love that you are my baby. I love you Lakelan :-)

Pictures, pictures and more pictures :-)

2006-06-29T16:43:00.000-04:00

VAMOS ARGENTINA!

2006-06-22T09:29:00.000-04:00

This post is pretty much for about 3 people. The people I know who actually KNOW that the soccer World Cup is currently going on and that I AM VERY passionate about it.

I have rooted for my country (Argentina) ever since I can remember. I distinctly remember celebrating with family, friends and even strangers our world cup victory in 1986, and I was only 7 years old :-).

Every world cup after that (1990, 1994,1998, 2002 and now) I have been a foreigner. A foreigner rooting for a team nobody really cares about in the place where I live. That's because for world cups '90, '94 and '98 I was living in Italy and for the last two I have been in the U.S. where not only do people not care about MY country, they mostly don't even know about the world cup!!

There's a very strange feeling you get when you are in a country that is not your own, and you are rooting for your team.
It truly transcends soccer, it goes beyond that. You root for your country, your heritage, your neighbors, your family, everything that is familiar, everything you hold dear about the place, everything you remember about it from when you were a child.

Although I have called the U.S. my home for about 7 years, Argentina IS where I am from, where I am connected to a part of me that over the years just seems to get stronger. No matter how many years I live abroad, I will always shout out "VAMOS ARGENTINA!!" for every World Cup just as I did when I was 7 years old :-).

NOTE: Yes, the 2nd team I root for is the U.S. even though soccer is SO not the sport of choice here! :-)

More Pictures :-)

2006-05-10T08:39:00.000-04:00

7 things

2006-05-10T08:19:00.000-04:00

I wish people had told me about parenting a baby :-)

1) Your concept of a "good night's sleep" will change drastically

What I was told was "get your sleep now...because in a few months, blah blah blah" or "once you have the baby, say goodbye to sleeping in" what I wish they had told me is something like this : "what you think of as sleeping in will change from 10am to about 7 am" or "you will think you've had a good night's sleep when you've only gotten up once and spent a half hour to 45 minutes diapering, feeding and getting your baby back to sleep" or "the first time you sleep all the way to 6 or 7 am you'll feel like you have been to a full service spa during the night"

2) Your baby won't be as cute as you think

Well...he is. But what I mean is, there is NO way everyone sees my baby as I do. Because it is simply not possible that he is THE SINGLE MOST beautifull baby in the world, now is it? ;-)

3) Your concept of "date night" will change drastically

People would tell me (while pregnant) how important it will be to make time for "dates" with my husband. The concept of a "date night" back then for me would have included dinner, a movie, some wine, candle light, staying up late, etc.
Now, a date night involves decisions such as "should I bring the breast pump?" and goes something like this : baby sitter (close friend) comes over, I feed baby one last time, we hurry out, go to a movie, think about baby the whole time while trying to still catch what the movie is about, rush home feeling as though I haven't seen my baby for hours on end, are happier than when I left when I get back :-)

4) Everything you think is important now, won't be as important once baby comes

i.e. clean laundry, showers, vacuuming, dinner cooking, dog walking, tv shows, and on and on....

5)You will have a blast!

It's true, I have a ball hanging out with my baby! He's a character :-)

6) You will be obsessed with strange things...

the list goes something like this:
-am I making enough milk?
-is he eating enough?
-has he had enough wet and poopy diapers today?
-has he napped enough today?
-will he be too hot/too cold while he's sleeping?
-does he have gas?

7) and amazed by the smallest of accomplishments:

- oh wow, he SMILED AT ME!!!
- Look honey, he can GRAB a toy!
- STOP everything you're doing, HE ROLLED OVER! :-)

I'm sure as time goes on I'll think of more and continue my list, but for now, this one goes out to all parents but especially moms! Happy Mother's Day everyone!!!

Some Pictures of my GORGEOUS baby boy

2006-05-04T12:36:00.000-04:00

I'm still here!

2006-05-03T09:31:00.000-04:00

I am afraid two things will start happening to my blog:

1) I will talk mainly and maybe only about my beautiful baby boy Lakelan :-)
2) I will blog less and less frequently as I spend more and more time enjoying my beautiful son Lakelan :-)

But that's ok, life's for living, and if you have a couple of minutes to blog about it, then that's a bonus!
This blog is more or less a reminder for myself. A way of putting down into words what I feel NOW, so that I won't forget later.

Being a mom has by far been (so far) the most challenging, stretching, beautiful, rewarding thing I have ever done. But I can't help but feel that it isn't really something I do. It truly is a big part of who I am. It isn't ALL I am but right now it sure feels like it takes up much of my personhood, and I like it :-)

I'm realizing that being a mom truly is a change in who I am, what I'm about, what my priorities are, what catches my attention, what I value most, what matters to me.

It goes beyond my little bundle of joy, it stretches out into the world and I'm noticing others more. Other mothers, fathers, children and families. I'm feeling them on a different level, as though a new part of my heart has been opened.
I have always been one to value relationships more than anything. People before tasks, friends before "duties", family before money and jobs, etc. But now, it seems I'm taking it to the extreme :-) I think I see things clearly, maybe (dare I say it?) closer to how God sees them? I see the people, the hearts, the desires, the dreams, the pain, and I don't look so much at the stuff, the jobs, the tasks, the responsibilities. I know I know...those are all important too, I just..see them from a different angle now :-) and I like it.

This Incredible thing called Motherhood

2006-02-11T10:49:00.000-05:00

WOW--Ok, this time I have a very good reason for not blogging for so long! I have a 3 week old baby :-)

What an amazing time this has been! Everything from the day it all started,(January 18th early morning)to the actual delivery, meeting my beautiful boy, sharing this awesome experience with close friends and with Paul, to coming home and learning to care for this precious little miracle..it has ALL been WAY more than I could have ever expected or imagined. People do tell you that it is something that you can't quite describe and well, it's TRUE! there are NO words. If there was ever a time when I have truly experienced God, his love, his goodness, his faithfulness, and his awesome power, this was it. The amazing experience of having a brand new perfect little life come from my body and into the world has forever changed me.
The gift God has given me in Lakelan is more than I will ever be able to put into words and more than I will ever be able to repay, just as anything that comes from our Father is!!

Obviously I don't have much time to blog these days so this is a short one, it is simply what I've been thinking since my little man was born. I'm in awe, I'm ecstatic, exhausted, and happier than I ever remember being!! Sharing this amazing new part of my life with Paul has also been unexpectedly rewarding and just, amazing. Again, too much for words. Thankful doesn't even begin to describe how I feel towards my faithful Father. That I would be privileged to receive such a blessing is almost more than my heart can take.

Now, I have to end this blog because I want to go be with and enjoy my little miracle, my baby, my boy :-)

Lakelan Matias Jones

2006-01-28T19:17:00.000-05:00

Here's the little man! He arrived on 01-19-06 at 2:31, weighed 8lbs 5oz and is 21 inches and he's GORGEOUS! :-)

Surrender

2005-12-21T15:20:00.000-05:00

Recently I had to (and still am) deal with some major unpleasant family stuff.
(by family I mean the one I grew up with,my immediate family).

I won't get into details, mostly because, they're unpleasant to say the least, but what I've come away with from it all so far is, surrendering to God, and his love, sometimes is really all you have left. Not that that isn't enough in and of itself, I just mean, sometimes you REALLY have no other options.

Most of us know about God's love for us, and we know He is really all we need, but we still do hang on to our relationships, our posessions, careers, whatever makes us feel good. Well, what I have recently been going through has left me in a place where all I can really do is cling to God, my Father, and his love.
Because the hurt, the pain, the holes left in my heart can only be healed and filled by him. The only one who knows the pain I feel is him.

In the face of such pain and powerlesness there's great comfort in knowing that at least HE KNOWS what I suffered and still suffer;he knows what I lacked as a child and what I need now. So all I need to do, is surrender. Surrender to the notion that what happened can't be changed, and surrender to the notion that what I needed as a child, I didn't get. But most importantly, surrender to the notion that the love I need now comes from my gracious heavenly Father.

When is baby coming--PART II

2005-12-13T16:02:00.000-05:00

This is a picture of baby Jones and his cute little pout :-)

In my last post I forgot to mention that Paul and I have not so far come up with a name we both agree on, so if along with your prediction you'd like to offer up any name suggestions, we'd appreciate that! :-)

When is baby coming?

2005-12-13T15:19:00.000-05:00

This is Baby Jones at 34 weeks with his hand in front of his face :-)

Ok...I am currently 34 weeks pregnant and I thought it would be fun to have a poll and see what everyone thinks about when the baby is coming.

So, go ahead and post a comment indicating:

-when you will think baby will come (due date is Jan 23 2006)
-how much baby will weigh
-we were pretty much told at our latest ultrasound that it IS indeed a boy, but feel free to disagree :-)

I'll post the winner shortly after the birth :-)or maybe not so shortly..depends on how much sleep I'm getting!

This Incredible Thing Called Pregnancy

2005-11-08T12:57:00.000-05:00

I am currently 29 weeks pregnant, and it's starting to get really, really fun.
I know, some of you ladies with children think maybe I am writing as a result of a fresh batch of pregnancy hormones causing temporary euphoria or something!

It sure makes me tired, and achy, but overall, the feeling of carrying this tiny little miracle inside me just fills me with giggly joy. And the thought that in a few weeks (not NEARLY soon enough!)I will be holding this baby in my arms and looking into his eyes (disclaimer: yes, ultrasound technicians do make mistakes, so it could be a girl, but I refuse to call my baby IT!) fills me with more excitement than I can stand!

I can now distinguish certain body parts, such as his bottom, and even his tiny little foot! I love to poke him and make him move, almost as though we're playing a game :-)

It is miraculously incomprehensible how in love I can be with this little person that God is making inside me, and to think it will actually get better when he's here, is just more than my brain can grasp. But that's ok, it won't be a "brain thing", it will be a "heart" thing. I just Can't wait!

Change of Heart

2005-11-03T10:44:00.000-05:00

I shouldn't be surprised. After all, I know my Father well. Perhaps not as well as I could, or as well as I'd want to, but I have come to know his love, his grace, his patience.

So when I asked him to change my heart so that I can let go of my bitterness, and He did, I shouldn't have been surprised!
I guess I'm not really surprised, just...pleasantly aware of his love for me and his will.

His will is that my heart be filled with his spirit and his love. Not my fleshly desires and emotions. His will is that I give of that love to those around me.

So when not only did he softened my heart, but softened the heart of someone I had inadvertently hurt with my bitterness and brought love back into our relationship, it is as though he was saying that he can't get enough of those prayers, because he loves to answer them. He wants nothing more than for me to be his child, and come to him when I'm at the end of myself, and ask for my heart to be more like his.

I love to do it. To recognize that I need him and ask. And then watch him work, feel him work in me, and those around me.

But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth, Such wisdom does not come down from heaven but is earthyl, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambitio, there you find disorder and every evil practice.
But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure:then peace-loving, considerate, submissive,full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.

James 3:14-17

Kindness

2005-11-01T10:00:00.000-05:00

This past weekend at Crosswinds, the message Jack gave was about relationships.
As he listed some of the qualities that according to Paul (in the book of Colossians)we ought to display in our relationships, one of them stuck out : Kindness.

I don't think I have ever had any particular trouble extending kindness in my life. In fact most of the time I consider myself a pretty kind person and I have been told by others that I am.
But not this past Sunday. As I thought about kindness and compassion, another quality came up that goes hand in hand with these, and that is PATIENCE. I have alluded in the past to the fact that PATIENCE is NOT one of the qualities I naturally posses, and so, I realized that though I can be kind most of the time, when I'm running low on patience, the kindness kind of goes out the window. :-(

That seems to have been happening more than I care to admit recently. I could chalk it up to pregnancy hormones but that seems like a cop-out. Truth is, I have been less patient and that has caused me to harbor unkind thoughts and feelings towards others, to the point of embitterment. What I didnt realize is that although I was trying my darnest to hide it all, it was coming out in my behavior and attitude.

And so I discovered that for a long time now, I have been trying harder to BE kind, APPEAR kind, DISPLAY kindnesss than I have been trying to honestly change my heart, ask God for patience, and wait on Him to do His work. That produced hollow, empty, meaningless kindness, not true kindness at all. I hate that realization because I do not like "fake" people, and yet, to some extent in certain situations, I was being fakely kind for the sake of appearance. YUCK. I hate that!

So this morning as I go about my tasks, and I examine the thoughs in my head and words out of my mouth, I realize that my heart is bitter, and I don't like it. So I ask my Father to cleanse my heart, and fill it with love, patience and kindness to give.
TRUE kindness, the same kindness He gives to me even when I fail and disappoint Him.

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."

Col 3:12-14

Argentina

2005-09-25T13:01:00.000-04:00

Cordoba Cañada

Córdoba de Noche

Argentina, mi País

2005-09-25T11:25:00.000-04:00

From time to time I feel this void in my heart...It comes from having been a wanderer most of my life, never feeling like I am at home in any one given place.

I was born in Cordoba, Argentina, a relatively big city by South AMerican standards and for 11 years, that was home. Then my father decided he would give Europe a try, since he had relatives in Italy, and after living there for 2 years by himself, he sent money for us to move there as well. Italy then became home for 7 years, but it never felt that way. We all felt as though a chunk of us was still in Cordoba, like a chunk of our hearts had been left behind.

We did go back to Argentina, but for me, having left at 11 and come back at 18, nothing was the same. Nowhere felt like home. Italy wasn't it, Argentina didn't quite cut it, I was homeless.

I'll spare you the details, but after trying different things, I ended up in the States, and decided this was where I felt I could start anew. And shortly there after I truly felt, this is where God had intended for me to be, and make my home. And for the most part it has been home now for about 7 years.

Since living here though, I have been back to Argentina, my first home.
And somehow going back as an adult, made a difference. Going back and bringing my american husband and showing him around, the places where I grew up, helped me to really appreciate MY HOME. To truly see what makes ME a girl from Argentina.

There are things about Argentina that are un-explainable. They are what I feel when I hear someone speak my language (not just spanish, but ARGENTINA spanish), what I feel when I hear a tango, what I feel when I go back to visit, get off the plane and a wave of familiarity and warmth invade my heart. I can't explain to you why Argentina will always be my home, or why it is such a special place with a truly special culture and people, I can't explain why a piece of me will always be there even while I've made my home here in the States.

Córdoba es mi ciudad, Argentina mi País, soy argentina, y siempre lo seré.

The Miracle of Life

2005-09-23T16:03:00.000-04:00

Recently I have been pondering on the amazing miracle that a new life is. A new embryo conceived inside the mother's womb who slowly grows to become a fully formed baby with all the organs it will need, hands, feet, eyes, nose...who will then be born,and have his own eye and hair color, personality, IQ, relationship with God etc... It's all incomprehensibly wondrous

Even more recently God has given me a snap-shot of that very awesome phenomenon to observe: My dog had puppies. Out of her came 5 fully formed beautiful little baby dogs with eyes, paws,tales, and squeaky little voices. And she knew that she was their mom, knew that she was supposed to feed them, lick them and keep the safe and warm. What an awesome thing. To see God's supreme creation at work. Mother's instincts, babies being born, eating,growing. He gave me a wonderful chance to see His handiwork right in my own home, a chance to feel the love I have for my dog be extended to her babies, to feel the warmth that comes from seeing a family. That is what they are, altogether, in their big wooden box, a big, happy family.
How awesome.

Nobody knows me like my baby

2005-08-28T13:14:00.000-04:00

I was watching TV this morning and during a romantic and sad scene a song was playing in the background that went something like this:

"I like cream in my coffee, but nobody knows me like my baby
I like my eggs over easy, and those flour tortillas
but nobody knows me like my baby"

As the soft and melodic sound of the guitar accompanied those words I felt blessed that I could say the same thing. Nobody knows me like my baby.
The one who knows me better than anyone else.
Of course in this case my baby being my husband, not my litteral baby (the one inside me) :-)

I like how the songwriter (have no idea who he is)uses such trivial and mundaine concepts such as what he likes for breakfast to illustrate his point.
We all not only want to be loved but known,and loved in spite of that. In spite of our quirks and annoying habits, in spite of our imperfections and shortcomings. We want to be known inside and out, and loved nonetheless.

Of course the most obvious and powerful way this is demonstrated is in the love of our Father for us. He makes us, with all our qualities, characteristics and idiosyncrasies and then LOVES us, no limits, no conditions. Just love.

And then there's the people He provides in our lives to show us, hopefully, a similar kind of love. In my case, I couldn't help but feel incredibly blessed that He has provided for me someone who knows me so well, and who loves me nonetheless. In spite of my weird habits and annoying quirks, or maybe even because of them. Someone whom I know and love as well, in spite of his quirks and habits.

And as I made that conclusion I realized, that as tough as marriage can be sometimes, His design is perfect, because if we take the time to know and accept our loved ones (in this case, our spouses) we will find a friendship that has no equal, a closeness that mirrors the Father's love for us, a unity that can withstand life on this imperfect, broken planet.

Nobody knows me like my Father. And nobody on earth knows me like my baby, my husband, my friend.

It's a Boy! (or so we think)

2005-08-24T11:19:00.000-04:00

Well...I have been missing from the blogosphere for a while I must admit, but now, I'm ready to post some big news. Of course, most of the people who read my blog already know. :-)

Paul and I are expecting our first baby together! I am currently approximately 18 weeks and a couple days and we've just had our ultrasound during which we discovered, much to Paul's SHOCK and surprise that it has what appears to be "boy equipment" :-) Of course, you can't see that in the picture I posted :-).

The little one seems to love to move and I have been enjoying the experience of feeling him(yes, even though there's a slight chance that the "boy prediction" could be wrong, I'll be referring to the baby as HIM)for a few weeks now. It's such a cool feeling!! This whole pregnancy has been an incredible journey for me personally, being that it is my first one, I have noticed every little change and have been enjoying everything that being pregnant means, with the possible exception of the oh-so-dreaded weight gain ;-)

It is incredible to me that God has blessed me in this way, although it shouldn't be, He has always been good, but it is such an incredible journey. As I watched that little baby moving around during the ultrasound, and as I saw his little hands and feet, toes and fingers, heart beating and all, it hit me: I HAVE A FULLY FORMED BABY INSIDE ME! That's incredible! And awesome...and I thank God for it and pray that this little one will continue to grow and thrive inside me :-)as I also continue to grow!

Go light your world

2005-07-03T10:05:00.000-04:00

Once in a while, songs pop into my head for no apparent reason.

I haven't heard them recently, nobody was whistling their tune around me, they just...volunteer themselves to fill my head at the strangest moments, like at 3 in the morning when I am inexplicably awake. Last night it was Chris Rice's song's chorus "Take your candle, go light your world".

I can't think of any of the verses in the song, all that keeps ringing in my ears is "Take your candle, go light your world".
Whenever one of these songs gets in my head and refuses to leave for hours at a time and I cannot locate the root of such intrusion, I think about God.

Are you trying to tell me something Lord? Someone once told me that sometimes when you're up at night and can't seem to go back to sleep, it could be because God is trying to reach you, and the middle of the night, when all is quiet around you and you're not distracted by your world is the ideal time to catch you off guard, and so, in He comes into your night, disturbing your sleep, but definitely catching your attention if you don't get sidetracked by the frustration of just trying to get some sleep.

So last night I started thinking as the song played in my head..."take my candle?"my candle"...what is my candle? I think Chris Rice is singing about our candle as christians but also our individual gifts. We each have the gospel which is our candle, but then, we have different gifts and are equipped in different ways, and each one has their own candle if you will.

I'm a people person. People energize me, refresh me, I thrive when I'm around people, that's one of my candles. In this highly relational faith of mine, that's a pretty good candle to have, I think. I have other "candles", but the point is, I think God was saying "take those gifts you have, and go "light your world".

Take the opportunities that come up to shine that light out there, using the gifts I have given you. There's a specific opportunity that I was seeking his wisdom about recently and I think, He may just have been answering my question with an exhortation to GO...light my world.

Signs of Life

2005-06-23T06:39:00.000-04:00

Continuing on with the Steven C. Chapman songs that caught my attention yesterday, another song that I love to sing along to and indeed a song that has a great message is "Signs of Life". Didn't Paul say somewhere in the Bible "If I'm the greatest dude out there but I don't have love, I GOT NOTHIN'!"? Ok...so I'm paraphrasing, but still...that's what "Signs of Life" is about..

"Where are the signs of life? The love that proves there is a living faith inside"

Our love proves that our heart beats for Jesus, that our Faith is alive, that we MEAN what we say when we worship Him. No matter how smart, eloquent, good-looking, scrappy,spunky,funny we might be,it is our LOVE that is the key.

It unlocks many doors, mostly to people's hearts, and once you're in there, He can and will do a great work through you!!!

So where are the signs of life? Where is the love? All around I hope...

Let us pray

2005-06-23T06:30:00.000-04:00

Once in a while I pull out a CD from my collection from years back, I clean off the dust and revisit my favorite songs on it.
Last night as I was driving to a friend's house I pulled out good ol' Steven Curtis Chapman's "Signs of Life" CD and throughly enjoyed listening to a few songs I hadn't heard in a while.

Among them, one that caught my attention is "Let us pray". Sometimes it isn't how sophisticatedly (yes! It's a word!!!) the music is written or arranged, rather, how simple and direct the message is.

"Let us pray, let us pray, everywhere in every way, every moment of the day, it is the right time, for the Father above, He is listening with love and He wants to answer us, so let us pray."

That's a pretty straight forward message there. Let's PRAY PEOPLE!!!!!!!
The Father is waiting, and with LOVE. Pray in the morning, pray at lunch, pray in the afternoon, pray at dinner, pray at bedtime. Pray while you're working,eating,driving, perhaps even disciplining the children...PRAY!

"Just becasue we said the word Amen, it doesn't mean this conversation needs to end" (Steven's words again, not mine)

Indeed!! Amen isn't the end of our conversation with our Father, it can go on ALL DAY LONG!!!!! Ok, I don't know about you, but I sure could use this friendly and catchy reminder that my Father in Heaven is waiting with love for me to just...talk to Him.

Indeed...let us pray.

More Family

2005-06-15T07:29:00.000-04:00

And this is Paul and I and my step-daughters Kelly and Jessica

Family

2005-06-15T07:27:00.000-04:00

While I'm sharing pictures, I now realize, I have never posted a cool picture of my family....so here goes--that's Paul and I in Argentina

Stingray

2005-06-15T07:25:00.000-04:00

Just thought I would share a cool cruise picture--that's me in Grand Cayman holding a stingray--they're just like puppies,only rubbery and well..under water :-)

Summer Heat

2005-06-13T10:21:00.000-04:00

It is only June 12th but we have already had a couple of weeks of tropical like heat. 90 degrees and higher and high humidity, which is all pretty unusual for this time of year around here...Normally, I would think, AWESOME! Summer started early. But this year, I am finding that it is too hot. I know, I can't believe I just typed that for the world to read, I, LAURA, think it is TOO HOT. I thought that would never happen.

Mostly I do not enjoy having to close all doors and windows so that the Air conditioner can do its job and miss out on the fresh summer air, the chirping birds, etc. But I also do not enjoy going for a walk with my puppy dog and have her panting and having a hard time keeping up!Even she seems to be thinking "It's too hot! let's go home!"

But I am not quite complaining, although if this was the kind of heat we had experienced last summer, when we had a boat to put in the lake and hang out at, it might have been nice :-) NO!!! I'm not complaining, just stating a fact. Ok, so maybe I am complaining a little bit, but at the end of the day, a warm and sunny summer day, week, or even month is a gift, that we don't get very often around here, so I will try to enjoy it.

2005-06-02T07:07:00.000-04:00

Carnival Victory Ship

2005-06-02T07:05:00.001-04:00

Grand Cayman

2005-06-02T07:05:00.000-04:00

Paul and I in Cozumel,Mexico

2005-06-02T07:03:00.000-04:00

Paul and I in Jamaica

Cruisin'

2005-05-18T15:31:00.000-04:00

I can't believe I haven't yet blogged about our awesome impending trip! :-)

Basically, Paul and I are SO incredibly blessed to be able to go on our very first cruise (at the end of this month) courtesy of my dear brother in law's generosity! Indeed, this is not something that happens every day, in fact, Paul and I have never truly had a vacation together, at least not a BEACHY HOT SUMMER weather vacation where we get to just be with each other and relax!!! It is an awesome gift and one that is not in the least going unappreciated.

So...today it's May 18th, and Paul and I are leaving in the morning on May 21st !!!!
3 DAYS!!! I have not had something this exciting to look forward to in a while! :-)

I am thankful to God for this awesome opportunity and of course thankful to Bruce, Paul's brother, who so generously offered to make this possible for us.

We will be going to the Western Caribbean and stop at Cozumel Mexico, Ocho Rios Jamaica, and Grand Cayman and have four days at sea. We can't wait!!

For anyone interested in following our itinerary or just the cruise info,check this link out :-)

http://www.carnival.com/Itinerary.aspx?embkCode=MIA&itinCode=WC9&shipCode
=VI&durDays=7&subRegionCode=CW

The Materialistic Christian

2005-05-11T15:08:00.000-04:00

I am reading the book "The Naked Church" by Waybe Jacobsen and it has been thus far very interesting and in my opinion, quite accurate. He speaks about the state that the church is in these days, and speaks about a lot of the reasons for that.

The chapter I was reading recently dealt with the materialistic nature of some western christians. He suggests that we have missed the point. That we have tried to "combine" the priorities of this world as they relate to wealth and prosperity and the priorities of the kingdom, and that has created some confusion and what's worse, it has created a gap between God and us. He very simply says...if I am prioritizing a nice house, a couple of cars, a "good" family, the "good life", I am missing what God is saying to me, I am missing his work in my life and thus I will interpret my circumstances as a "result" of what God may or may not be doing.When we prioritize anything over relationship and community with God, we will lose the benefit or truly walking with him and we will be lost and influenced by our circumstances, and these in turn will govern our relationship with God.

That has happened to me. I get so easily caught up in the "I deserve this" and "I should have that" that when I don't get whatever it is, it causes friction between me and God. I question his motives, I wonder about his love for me, I ask myself what I could have possibly done better. None of that is necessary if I am in daily relationship with him. If I know him and my life reflects his love and his grace, whatever circumstance comes my way I will not doubt his love, his motives or my worth. I will walk through it and know that he is with me and whether challenging or sad,annoying or overwhelming, I know he is with me and I need not endure it on my own.
And I can know that his ultimate goal has little to do with THIS life and the circumstances of it, and lots to do with my eternal life and relationship with him forever.

Broken Toe?

2005-05-11T14:50:00.000-04:00

Ok, I am NOT sure because I have not seen a doctor at this point, but I am fairly certain that I have broken a toe in my left foot. I have drawn this conclusion after much careful evaluation of the contusion and swelling around the area and...the incredible pain I feel whenever I attempt to step on it.:-(

What happened,you might ask yourself.Well....very simply, a mis-handling of grocery baggage caused the dropping of a rather large and full 2 liter bottle of diet root beer on my foot (OUCH!). I must say...the people present were quite impressed with how I handled the blow, but quite frankly I think it had nothing to do with my threshold for pain, but more with the fact that the blow had quite possibly taken my breath away thus rendering me unable to utter any sound, as in.. a blood curling scream or very loud tears.

So..it has now been about 3 days, and the swelling has gone down and the bruising is more green then purple (Usually this is a good thing) but walking is still rather difficult. This in turn is very difficult for me, as I am quite used to moving quite speedily about while accomplishing several different tasks at once. Once more, God has figured out a way to get my attention and once more, he is teaching me patience.

There are many things that simply cannot get done,when you are moving as slowly as I am these days, in a 24 hour period.I am learning to live with the consequences and be content in the amount of activity that my foot can handle.
Patience Patience Patience! :-)

Sailing with...Jesus

2005-05-04T17:48:00.000-04:00

I am a highly musical person..WAIT no, that does not mean that I am musically talented, just that I love music and that music has a strong effect on me.
I was listening to a Chris Rice album (I love his stuff, he's one of my favorite song writers)and the song "Sailing with Russel" came on...and this particular verse caught my attention, as if I was hearing it for the first time...

"What if we saw him there(Jesus)
Walking out on the water?"
No time for splashing around in shallow theology
He just invited us out into the deep simplicity

I picture it..some friends hanging out, and suddenly, we see Jesus, and he joins us
I don't picture theology talks, complicated words that I need to look up in the dictionary, I picture him easy going, loving, kind, hanging out with us, one of us and yet GOD. Wow...wouldn't that would be awesome!
I love that Chris Rice uses the phrase "Deep Simplicity", what would that be like?
I love simplicity, I love unstructured spontaneous fellowship with other believers, when people get to be real with one another and the cover-ups,and masks,and pretending to be someone they're not,stops. Where we can be with each other in our weakest moments and still love each other.
That's when I see Jesus. In the SIMPLE times, and yet it is deep. Deep simplicity...deep love, deep fellowship, deep connections with one another and yet simple because all we really have to do is let go of our expectations and plans and schemes and let him do the work in and through us.
I've been a part of that kind of deep simplicity a few times during my Christian walk and I can't help but wonder, why not more often? Is there something to be said for the lifestyle most of us lead that gets in the way of that simplicity?
Certainly my experience has been that living in the U.S. limits in some ways your ability to be spontaneous and carefree with your life. Planning needs to happen, committees are put together, time "slots" are reserverd for different activities, and the opportunity for spontaneous God led fellowship decreases. We DECIDE when we will meet, at what time and for how long and THAT's when God can work.
That seems...limiting. Anytime I feel bound by a schedule I don't feel free to worship God. Rarely does God's timing in my life coincide with the pre-set schedule, but I do have to say, God does work trough everything, he uses us our efforts, even when to us it looks like we are failing because the "intended" result is not achieved. So perhaps all our planning and scheming and structuring doesn't allow much wiggle room or flexibility for us to "take in" or even notice God's work in and around us and perhaps for some us, some things need to change, but in the meantime, He is God. Whatever we do,he will use, for his purpose and for his glory.

The Show

2005-04-27T07:43:00.000-04:00

Paul wrote a song last night(for those of you who may not be sure who Paul is, he's my better half, my husband :-)) And it resonates with me and reflects (I think) a lot of what I myself have been experiencing and hearing from God;the freeing notion of his love for us regardless of our performance and our ability... funny huh, how He works in our lives...
So here it is...Any comments would be welcome!

THE SHOW

There’s a face you show to strangers
There’s a face you show to friends
There’s a face you show while singing until the music ends
There’s a face you show for pain, there’s a face you show for joy
There’s a face
That sets in place
To hide that you’re annoyed

But I never dare
To try and share
The face that You gave me
I guess it’s time
For a face that’s mine
Revealing what You see

If that means that I’m done singing
And it’s time to just let go
That’s alright with me
Because Lord, You see
I’m tired of the show

The program has to be right
It has to run on time
It must be smooth it must be good
Must not step out of line
We must keep people coming, perfection understood
Details become more important than they ever should

But I rarely pause
To consider cause
Or to simply stop and be
I want the chance
To laugh and dance
And feel the joy You bring

If that means that I’m done singing
And it’s time for me to go
It’s alright with me
Cuz Lord, You see
I’m tired of the show

And if it means that I’m done hiding
because you're asking me to grow
It’s ok with me
Cuz you've set me free
to face a life without "The Show"

The "magic" of Advertisement

2005-04-25T14:37:00.000-04:00

As I have mentioned before, I am taking classes at FLCC, and I have also mentioned my Sociology class before(see previous post "Deviance").

Friday morning and this morning in Sociology class,our professor showed us videos, of a woman (her name is Jean something)who speaks out against the negative influence that advertisement has on us and especially the way that advertisement portrays women.
Among other things, she contends that advertisements have for years suggested that for women,all that should matter is to look good;they have portrayed an ideal of beauty that is impossible to attain in nature at best and unhealthy at worst;they have among other things reduced women to nothing more than just a body,an object.

As I also mentioned before, I have had also struggled, most of my life with body image issues, and certainly, the mass media has not helped, and so as I watched the video, I realized the deep influence that TV, movies,magazines and advertisements have had on me. But then...I had to reflect on what the core of my issues really is.Sure the message out there is clear..the advertisement says something like:
"You don't look just right, so you NEED to buy this product" and it is a powerful message filled with images of the ideal body, the ideal hair, the ideal face, etc.

However, for me at least, the issue lies at the core of who I perceive myself to be, or not to be. When my focus is off Christ, my identity is blurry and I cry out to be defined. I can define myself through my job, my skills, my appearance, my posessions, the list goes on and on. But when I know his love, his infinite love for me,his constant presence in my life, his grace and mercy, then I no longer need external things to define me. Then, I know that who he made me to be, just the way I am, without status,without things, without a title is enough, and it is me who pleases him when I seek to be with him instead of the things of this world.

So perhaps the mass media influence is negative, I don't think that has never been more clear than in these days of slender bodies, perfect tans, perfect teeth, indeed, women withouth any imperfections at all. But the choice lies much deeper than whether to buy into the standard, the choice lies in our souls, and the choice is between the world and the Savior. The question is, who defines you? The world, or your Father? Men or God? The people around you, or Jesus, who is within you?

Jesus sing over me

2005-04-25T06:57:00.000-04:00

"Can I climb up in your lap
I don't want to leave,Jesus sing over me
You're everything I need"

Mercy Me in "Keep Singing"

I love that song; it communicates the brokenness that most draws us to Jesus.
Those verses especially, communicate the image of a broken person, feeling almost like a scared child, looking to be with his dad,to be comforted, to be restored.
I have recently needed comfort and ,at first, I didn't know how to get it.

I had lost something and all I could focus on was what I had lost,and that wasn't giving me any comfort.And then I felt it. It was as though he had wrapped his arms around me, cried with me, and I realized, I had just been on my Father's lap, and I didn't want to leave! And I truly understood the verse "You're everything I need"

At the end of the song,after establishing how much pain he feels, how dark it all looks, he sings "I gotta keep singing, I gotta keep praising your name, you're the one who's keeping my heart beating"

Once you have been with God, and he has cried with you, and you with him; once you have been on his lap, comforted and loved; once you have seen as if with your own eyes that HE IS everything you need...the wanting decreases...the pain and the anguish fade just a little bit...enough for you to feel the amazing love he has for you, and the healing power of his presence.

Everything else pales in comparison, and loses a little bit of meaning, and that's how comfort can happen. He takes your eyes off of the world, the things, the needs, the wants, the pain, and he puts them on him;for a moment it's just you and him, and you know that's enough...he's everything you need.

Just me...for You

2005-04-23T23:30:00.000-04:00

"The moment we deny God's fingerprint on our soul,the instant we stop listening to our uniqueness, our God hearing starts to deteriorate."

Those are the words of Michael Yaconelli, in his book "Dangerous Wonder", which I started (and finished)reading today. Many times during reading this book today I paused to take it all in. God speaking. God smiling. God with me. One of the times I felt his tug the most was when I read this particular passage.

My "God hearing" has suffered severely from my misplaced focus. I learned early on in life to deny my uniqueness and strive for sameness so it is something I am quite familiar with and efficient at. But when about 6 and 1/2 years ago I became a Christian and recognized God in my life for the first time,for a short time I knew who I was, in Jesus. I knew how I was loved and cherished, forgiven and accepted. I treasure that time in my life, it is to me the equivalent of the return of the prodigal son. The Father I never knew I had was waiting for me to come home, even when I hadn't know where home was. But I knew when I found it,it was home indeed. I was at home with my Savior, safe and scared all at the same time, in awe of Him and yet strangely peaceful. Oblivious to the world around me. Full of life. Full of Jesus.
But soon I was swept up in the struggle for sameness and acceptance by the world around me; I was striving to please him, no longer just reveling in his love and acceptance; I had learned it wasn't enough for me to just be. I had to do,earn, prove,and commit. My heart was lost somewhere in the process, my uniqueness was trampled on and promptly covered up, and I conformed to what I thought was the standard that I ought to strive for,and to becoming the person I "should" be.
How sad that must have made him! He lost me then, while I was franticly trying to find him again. I didn't realize, all I had to do was stop doing. Stop "denying his fingerprint" and be me. And be with him. That's all he's ever really wanted. To be with me. Not with the counterfeit that I would present to him, not with the politically correct and appropriately polished version of me. Just me.Messy hair, no make up, sloppy, inconsistent, unpredictable, inpatient and annoying, but also wide-eyed,eager,willing, and unique.

I am here now;I am here and you are with me,Abba. I get it, I do.
No noise, no production,no cleaning up, no covering up, just me. How could so little be enough? You make it so. You make me...enough.

Your Love

2005-04-22T10:37:00.000-04:00

You love me Lord, and I trust you. I know the depth of your love for me, and I know, that even when what is good for me doesn't feel good, you still love me.

I know that when I cry, you are holding me and crying with me. I know that when I am confused, I still know what is TRUE: That you made me, and that you love me, and that you are forever, and you never change.

When I am anxious and worried, nothing changes. The truth stays the same.
Whatever comes my way, whatever storm I face, you are with me.

Help me to see YOU in the midst of the hard times, the pain and the worry.
Help me to see that I need to control my circumstances, because I can trust YOU, more than I can trust myself.

Thank you Father, for your grace and your mercy.

God's body, not mine

2005-04-21T06:43:00.000-04:00

"Everything is permisible to me"--but not everything is beneficial.
"Everything is permissible to me"--but I will not be mastered by anything.
1 Cor 6:12
Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself?
1 Cor 6:15
Do you not know that you body is a temple of the holy spirit,who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.
1 Cor 6:19

My body, His Gift

2005-04-20T13:01:00.000-04:00

I would guess that most people that know me, know that I care a great deal about my physical appearance. Some would call me obsessed and I would hardly argue with them on that.
Lately God has been working in me in many different ways and revealing to me different things about himself,myself and our relationship. Body image is just one big thing in my life that he would not spare. In and of itself, it isnt huge, but he knows me and he knows what is at the core of it.

At the risk of oversimplifying, I will say there are at least 2 things at the core of it in my case: lack of trust in him (and thus the desire to have control) and lack of knowledge (REAL experience knowledge not just "head" knowledge) of his deep deep love for me.

From the time I was a teenager it was BURNED into my brain that within my body and appearance lied my worth. As long as my appearance was at a certain level, I was worth something;sadly, I also learned that as long as my body was 'available' sexually, I was worth something.
As it turns out,those concepts are harder to dethrone than you would think, and today's society and mass media do NOT make it any easier, in fact, they make it THAT much tougher to realize the deep lie within them.
The lie is that my body is only good for one thing; the lie is that my body represents my worth as a person; the lie is that meeting a certain physical standard is what I should strive for,in order to silence the sounds of self-loathing and pain.

The truth of course, is that God made my body to do many more things than what I concern myself with,and for more than what the lie would have me believe.
God made my body to do wonderful things. It is meant to be his temple, his dwelling place. It is meant to sing his praise, and worship him.
It is made for loving others, holding hands, giving hugs. It is made for laughing, and crying so that I can rejoice with others and weep with others. It is made to give life, both physically and spiritually through the power of his holy spirit.
It is made to enjoy my husband within the context of our committed love to one another, and for my husband to enjoy me.

The truth is that when I consider my body only as a means to obtain "worth" I downgrade it to the status of a tool. I make it into an object. I strip it of the wonderful qualities that are within it, and I invite other to do so as well.
What a tragedy! To take something so valuable and strip it of its value and affix upon it a label that allows others to mistreat it and misuse it. To take the gift that God has given me and abuse it and beat it into submission, in order to slience the pain and the hurt that God himself promises to heal.

A tragedy indeed.