who I am

Lately it seems I've been wrestling more than usual with ideas about..who I am, in life, as a woman, as a person, in God's eyes...I've been reading books, praying, thinking...

I seem to go back and forth a lot, between the place where I am secure in who I am in God, as his daughter, as his child, and the place where I am plagued by my inadequacies, my weaknesses, where I am desperate to feel important, to have people like me and respect me and think certain things about me.

I know the truth. The truth is that who I am in God is enough. What HE THINKS of me is more than enough. WHO He made me to be is enough. His love for me is enough.
That truth helps me get a grip when my crippling insecurities have me spinning out of control. HOWEVER....

I am human...one of my weaknesses is precisely the fact that I focus on my weaknesses...and it seems I find ways to give myself a ZERO in almost every single worldly grading system given the right time and circumstances...I don't look right, I don't speak the right words, think the right thoughts, have the right experience...the list goes on and on...

What's interesting is that, for the most part, the thing that triggers these feelings of self doubt is other people. If all I ever cared about what was what God thinks of me, wants from me, asks of me, I have a feeling my insecure days would be fewer..and not as devastating. But I look around, I compare, I seek approval from the world, the flesh, other fallen ones who have the same weaknesses I have because, well, they are also human, imagine that.

Seems to me, if we all accept the fact that we are human, that we are broken, but that we have a Father who created us, loves us and has saved us...we could all focus on loving each other and giving Him our best. I of course only have control over what I can and will do, and with His help I pray...it will be the latter. To love Him and to seek to please Him,even in my humanness, and to accept, FREELY His unending, unconditional love for me.

I don't have a reason to believe that my tendency to find fault within myself will just go away magically, but for now, as I grow and still wrestle and struggle, I will HOLD tightly onto what I know is TRUTH(as taken from a Chris Tomlin song):

"You see the depths of my heart and you love me the same, you are amazing God"

He knows ALL the parts of me, even the ones that no other human knows, and loves me MORE than any human ever could...paradoxical, isn't it?
Paradoxical and magnificent.

Searching for God knows what

That is the title of one of the books I've been reading and throughly enjoying lately...This one is by Donald Miller, the author of "Blue Like Jazz", which was also one of my favorite books.
As I read the other day this one passage really struck a chord within me and so I decided to share it with anyone who might be interested. Here goes:

"...what we really need is God.What we really need is somebody who loves us so much we don't worry about death, about our hair thinning, about other drivers pulling in front of us on the road, about whether people are poor or rich,good-looking or ugly,about whether or we feel lonely, or about whether or not we are wearing clothes. We need this;we need this so we can love other people purely and not for selfish gain, we need this so we can see everybody as equals, we need this so our relationships can be sincere, we need this so we can stop kicking ourselves around, we need this so we can lose all self-awareness, and find ourselves for the first time, not by realizing some dream, but by being told who we are by the only Being who has the authority to know, by that I mean the Creator."

I think that pretty much sums up the human plight...to KNOW we are loved, and to know who we are, because He who made us tells us..to know love like we cannot know on earth, and to live and walk in it...and to spread it to those who cross our paths...

Belong, part II

It amazes me that the months go by, the seasons change, and yet, here I am, posting about, essentially, the same thing I posted about months ago, in August.

Belonging, it seems is something I struggle with. The concept of feeling at ease and complete where I am, who I am with and what I do.
One thing that is becoming more and more clear is how strongly I feel about belonging with my family: my sweet husband and adorable son, and if only temporarily, my kind hearted step-daughter. That is not something I take for granted. The home and life we have created is what brings me the most joy and warmth, and it is what brings meaning and flavor to my life. If life were to never change, I am fully conscious that I have what most people dream of having, struggle to have,and grieve losing. Strong,lasting love, a place to call home, the warmth of those you dedicate your life to, the comfort of someone who knows you, perhaps better than you know yourself.

Having said all that, being the kind of person that I am, I can't escape the feeling of loneliness..the feeling of not quite being in the place where I "fit"...where I make sense. I feel as though I am wired to be a different kind of person than those around me, with different thoughts, desires, priorities...but then again,maybe it's all in my head. I dream of living a life filled with people, sharing life, filled with joy and laughter and shared grief, filled with those around me caring for me,loving me, and I them...but it does not seem to be the way it goes here, where I am today, it seems, life is more of an individual endeavor here, where i find myself, wondering, if there is something not quite right with me, that makes me need others more than I should...
I guess for now it is good enough to know I am blessed and have more than I would have ever dreamed. It is enough to take in what God has given me, and heed his direction.

Belong

I logged on today to post and realized, today is August 27th 2008...last time I posted anything was August 27 2007...yikes!

Well...a few updates are required...the "new addition" didn't work out, she chewed everything, dug holes in the backyard and had too many accidents, so we found her a new home :-). We're back to our smaller family, except now, Jessica has joined us! So we are minus one dog, plus one teenager :-)

The last year has been full of...life....life happening, with all that entails, good, bad, great.... we had one trip to Argentina in Jan/Feb and then I just recently went again alone (GASP!) for about 10 days...and as it happens almost every time after I go, I have been in a melancholic, reflective, introspective mood ever since coming back 2 days ago...trying to decipher why I always feel this way whenever I return, a bit sad, somewhat lonely, and just like something's missing...perhaps it's just what one feels when there really isn't any one place where one belongs...no one place that is home, no one place that contains everything dear and sweet to one's heart.

And it reminds me of Chris Rice's song "Belong".... whose message is basically... Father has prepared a place for you, Jesus leads you there, to the place where you belong...so I'm trying to let that truth sink in...I belong with my Father, I belong no matter where I may live on his earth...

My baby and I

Shameless Plug

For those of you following my husband's "blog book", you'll be glad to know that he finally posted a new chapter.
Hey, the man is meticulous! It took him a year to post this latest one, but hopefully the next one won't take as long!

So, go check it out, and see what you think :-)

I run, therefore I am...skinnier?

Many of you know I run. I consider myself a runner even though I still struggle to get up to my goal of logging 20 weekly miles, and even though to the naked eye my "running" looks more like jogging or bounce-walking.

I consider myself a runner mostly because I am dedicated. I started running back in 2002 and have been since with a few breaks in between, some due to injury some due to laziness and some due to pregnancy, fatness and overall out-of-shape-ness.
But I'm at it again, this time since April and it always surprises me how much I like it. It does so much for my self-esteem, for that closet athlete in me who loves the feeling of pushing my body to do things I could swear it could not do.

But beyond that, I just love getting out there. And I like the paradoxical feeling that is how something so simple can be so hard. HOw much it can hurt. Oh but it hurts so goooooood!

So I run, and I will probably continue to do so for the rest of my life, or at least as long as my body allows me to do so.
I ran 5 miles this morning with some friends and that just made my day much better than it would hvae otherwise been.
I run, therefore, I'm a runner. Or actually, I love to run, therefore I'm a runner.

Renzo Bertacchini

Renzo Bertacchini was 91. He passed away last week, alone, in an ICU bed. He was my grandpa. Mi abuelo. Il mio nonno.

I got the news from my sister, poor thing, she didn't know how to tell me, so she wrote me an email because she couldn't call me and say it out loud without sobbing. He was old and ill, so we knew his time was near, and yet the reality of the goodbye hit us hard all the same. We will miss him, with his heavy italian accent, his dry sense of humor, his cheek "pinches". I will miss him.

He made the BEST toasted bread slices (I know, it sounds weird, but in Argentina we don't actually use electric toasters, you have use SKILL!!!) for us when we were kids for our afternoon snack (la merienda, which is an official meal in Argentina).
He walked us to school and picked us up, he loved us in the only way he knew how, with his actions. Sometimes with his super tight hugs. For me the hardest thing has been not being able to be there to see him one last time, to hold his hand, so give him a kiss. To hold my brother and sister as they said goodbye. I was here, not there, and for that I will always be a little sad.

Chau nono. Nos vemos,un beso grande!
Tu nieta, la gordita, la Maria!